Herbert is being so sweet, so kind, so reassuring - and maybe that's why the dam finally shatters within Alfred. His expression goes from realization, to self-loathing, and finally settles on...broken, face screwing tight as he begins to sob. His free hand moves to Herbert's shoulder to grasp in his shirt, head bowing to bury itself in his chest.
It hurts, it really does.
But maybe it will hurt less than thinking there was ever a chance.
"I'm such - I'm such an idiot," he wails, laying bare his feelings in a way he hasn't done in front of Herbert before. Because he feels safe.
It shatters Herbert's heart to see Alfred like that. So confused, so heartbroken. He carefully sets aside both their mending so he can pull Alfred close, wrapping his arms tight around him and stroking his hair gently.
"You're not, Alfred, you're not. You're young, that's all. You found a -- lovely girl and felt something you hadn't felt before. It's hard, I know, and I know you feel foolish and that your heart feels like it's breaking, but I promise you you're not an idiot for feeling this way."
"She wasn't even really lovely," he spits, surprisingly bitter - and then immediately regrets it, shaking his head and cringing even as he's got his face buried securely in Herbert's arms. "I mean - she's - she was - ah, I don't know...."
But despite his quailing, he's still being honest. With himself, and with the man in front of him.
The man in front of him who...made him feel wanted, for the first time in forever.
Herbert rolls his eyes a little, not at Alfred, no of course not, but at the mere thought of Sarah. "Well I agree with you there, but that still doesn't matter. You felt how you felt. And there's nothing wrong with that."
And he holds him. Through his crying over his heart aching for someone else. Because he loves Alfred, and they have all of eternity to figure out their own complicated feelings for each other. Whatever time Alfred takes mourning the loss of a potential love is a drop in the bucket, compared to what they could have. What they will have.
He never loved her at all. No, he didn't. He loved the idea of it, the concept of being the hero in a fairytale, rescuing the poor, imprisoned princess from the haunted castle. But...this isn't a fairy tale, is it?
It's not a fairy tale, and he will never be a hero.
Sniffling, he clutches tightly to Herbert, his sobbing finally slowing down as he is soothed by the other man's arms, his voice, his words.
"...Thank you, Herbert," he whimpers. "I...I really don't know what I would do without you."
"Oh you could do plenty without me. I'm just here to help you see your light, remember? And no matter how many times you need to cry over her, I'll be here for you. I'll still hold you, I'll listen to your sorrows and try my best to comfort you through them."
He takes a deep breath, because this is hard to admit, but -- "I've thought I was in love, too. Long ago. And it shattered me when I realized it wasn't as real as I wanted it to be."
For a long moment, Alfred just listens - and his jaw works a little as he tries to find the words for a reply. To tell him no, that it's more than that, that he can tell it's more than that -
But then...Herbert is sharing something that is...very personal. He pries himself back enough to look up at him, bright blue eyes still full of tears.
Herbert nods, and it's his turn to look sheepish. Shy, almost. Certainly unused to talking about his feelings this openly and honestly.
"I was... foolish, when I was younger. I thought a few times I was in love, but it was merely an infatuation. Or I wanted so much to be in love that I convinced myself I was."
"It's a complicated thing, love. Sometimes we want it so badly we're willing to go to great extremes for it.
Which is why I want to apologize, again, for our little meeting. I fell head over heels for you, and wanted so badly for you to feel the same. It was all I could think about, having you in my life. Not wanting to -- to lose you. It's why I acted like I did."
That...makes sense to Alfred. He feels something in the depths of his heart - an echo, something sad, something old.
He doesn't know what it is, but it makes him reach up to rest his hand on the back of Herbert's neck.
"... It's all right," he murmurs. "I...I was...afraid. Because no one had ever...wanted me like that, before. Had ever told me. I wasn't...expecting it. The whole night was...so dizzying."
He hadn't been feeling his best at that moment, either, he recalls. He was starving, terrified of failing, lost. He hadn't been expecting someone to be...nice.
Even if he did try to bite. But Alfred understands that a little better now.
"No one? Not ever? I saw and just -- felt my heart swell. You looked so sweet, with your cheeks rosy from the cold and snowflakes on those long golden lashes of yours."
He worries at his lip for a moment before he confesses, more quietly, hesitantly, "I had waited too long, once before, and lost my chance. So I wanted to act on it before I lost you."
"No one. Not ever," he confirms, voice going a little downtrodden. "In fact, just...just a couple minutes before we met, I found Sarah. She...told me to go away."
Maybe he should have taken the hint then, really.
The shift in Herbert's tone catches his attention like a rabbit in a snare, though - his gaze snaps to peer closely at his expression, the hand on the back of his neck rubbing in soothing little circles. "Oh, Herbert," he murmurs, softly, sympathetically. Sarah may not want him, but...here he is, with someone who does. Who did, right away.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that happened to you, and...and I'm not going anywhere, now. I'm staying right here. With you."
He offers a little smile, sad and sweet, and there is just...a glimmer of something More behind the tearful shimmer of his blue eyes.
"Better not," he says, trying and not quite managing to bring his teasing his tone back. "I'm an excellent hunter, as you well know."
But he needn't worry about that, now. Not when Alfred is right beside him, stroking his neck, looking at him with the most sincere expression that Herbert almost can't bear it. "Besides, if you go, who will mend my shirts?"
"When we met," he begins, thinking through his words as he says them, "You were...a lot to take in. And I was so afraid at the ball, when all of you were...were laughing at me."
That one still stings a bit. He had tried to be brave, and...well. Anyway.
"But then when I came back - you were nothing but giving. Sweet. Sensitive. And...and I've gotten to know you a little more, and you're...you're funny, and smart, patient, and strong, and - and-"
He reddens, going a bit tongue-tied and shrinking into himself a little.
"I apologize for the ball. I was wounded. You'd quite broken my heart. And then to see you rushing at Father with a candle stick -- well, fire can't hurt us, not really. I was less laughing at you and more at Father's reaction. He was trying to get a rise out of us, and it worked.
But then -- " It's his turn to comfort Alfred now, taking his hands and kissing his knuckles. "Then you were at my door again, and all that heartache melted away. Because you came back."
That's a revelation that momentarily stuns Alfred.
He had broken Herbert's heart.
His eyes go wide, and they stay wide as he watches Herbert kiss at his hands, being sweet and comforting. He swallows hard, and then....
"Herbert, I'm so sorry for hurting you. I...I didn't know. If I knew then what I know now, I...I might have...." He hesitates for a beat, but he needs to finish the thought.
"I was being so selfish, and I couldn't see that...you and your father both, you were trying to...to show me something. I just wasn't ready to understand it. But I do now."
"We can be... quite a lot to handle, the both of us. Neither of us are terrible subtle, are we? Well -- Father is a little more cryptic than I tend to be, but still.
Either way, you understand yourself better now. And you understand me better, now. And I'm learning about you, as well." Alfred requires a gentler touch. Slow progress, rather than jumping right into things.
"I...am good at listening to people who carry on a little. I'm thankful for that, because it...it's made your father a lot easier to understand." At least that was one thing that he had taken from his time with the Professor that was actually worthwhile.
He smiles again at Herbert's words, squeezing his hands back a little bit.
"...We have time to learn," he finally replies, slowly, reassuring himself just as much as he is reassuring the older vampire.
"Well thank goodness for that, because Father does tend to go on. And on. And on. If you catch him in the right mood. Or wrong mood, I suppose." Herbert makes a face and rolls his eyes, but it's with fondness. Mostly.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2021-12-28 05:08 am (UTC)It hurts, it really does.
But maybe it will hurt less than thinking there was ever a chance.
"I'm such - I'm such an idiot," he wails, laying bare his feelings in a way he hasn't done in front of Herbert before. Because he feels safe.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-28 05:13 am (UTC)"You're not, Alfred, you're not. You're young, that's all. You found a -- lovely girl and felt something you hadn't felt before. It's hard, I know, and I know you feel foolish and that your heart feels like it's breaking, but I promise you you're not an idiot for feeling this way."
no subject
Date: 2021-12-28 05:26 am (UTC)But despite his quailing, he's still being honest. With himself, and with the man in front of him.
The man in front of him who...made him feel wanted, for the first time in forever.
Who makes him feel safe.
Who cried for him, cared for him...who saved him.
Who he refused Death for.
Oh.
Oh.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-28 06:14 am (UTC)And he holds him. Through his crying over his heart aching for someone else. Because he loves Alfred, and they have all of eternity to figure out their own complicated feelings for each other. Whatever time Alfred takes mourning the loss of a potential love is a drop in the bucket, compared to what they could have. What they will have.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-28 06:24 am (UTC)It's not a fairy tale, and he will never be a hero.
Sniffling, he clutches tightly to Herbert, his sobbing finally slowing down as he is soothed by the other man's arms, his voice, his words.
"...Thank you, Herbert," he whimpers. "I...I really don't know what I would do without you."
no subject
Date: 2021-12-28 06:35 am (UTC)He takes a deep breath, because this is hard to admit, but -- "I've thought I was in love, too. Long ago. And it shattered me when I realized it wasn't as real as I wanted it to be."
no subject
Date: 2021-12-28 06:43 am (UTC)But then...Herbert is sharing something that is...very personal. He pries himself back enough to look up at him, bright blue eyes still full of tears.
"...Really?"
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Date: 2021-12-28 06:53 am (UTC)"I was... foolish, when I was younger. I thought a few times I was in love, but it was merely an infatuation. Or I wanted so much to be in love that I convinced myself I was."
no subject
Date: 2021-12-28 07:02 am (UTC)He holds on to him just a little tighter, his desperate cling for comfort turning more into a hug.
"That's - that's it, that's it exactly. Wanting to be in love, wanting to be...wanted."
Like he is now.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-28 07:13 am (UTC)Which is why I want to apologize, again, for our little meeting. I fell head over heels for you, and wanted so badly for you to feel the same. It was all I could think about, having you in my life. Not wanting to -- to lose you. It's why I acted like I did."
no subject
Date: 2021-12-28 07:26 am (UTC)He doesn't know what it is, but it makes him reach up to rest his hand on the back of Herbert's neck.
"... It's all right," he murmurs. "I...I was...afraid. Because no one had ever...wanted me like that, before. Had ever told me. I wasn't...expecting it. The whole night was...so dizzying."
He hadn't been feeling his best at that moment, either, he recalls. He was starving, terrified of failing, lost. He hadn't been expecting someone to be...nice.
Even if he did try to bite. But Alfred understands that a little better now.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-29 12:14 am (UTC)He worries at his lip for a moment before he confesses, more quietly, hesitantly, "I had waited too long, once before, and lost my chance. So I wanted to act on it before I lost you."
no subject
Date: 2021-12-29 12:39 am (UTC)Maybe he should have taken the hint then, really.
The shift in Herbert's tone catches his attention like a rabbit in a snare, though - his gaze snaps to peer closely at his expression, the hand on the back of his neck rubbing in soothing little circles. "Oh, Herbert," he murmurs, softly, sympathetically. Sarah may not want him, but...here he is, with someone who does. Who did, right away.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that happened to you, and...and I'm not going anywhere, now. I'm staying right here. With you."
He offers a little smile, sad and sweet, and there is just...a glimmer of something More behind the tearful shimmer of his blue eyes.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-29 01:04 am (UTC)But he needn't worry about that, now. Not when Alfred is right beside him, stroking his neck, looking at him with the most sincere expression that Herbert almost can't bear it. "Besides, if you go, who will mend my shirts?"
no subject
Date: 2021-12-29 01:17 am (UTC)So instead he just keeps smiling, but -
"You're right. So...I promise. I promise not to leave - even when you master mending seams."
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Date: 2021-12-29 05:29 am (UTC)"Well I doubt I will ever surpass your creativity and your very fine stitching, but I appreciate your faith in me."
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Date: 2021-12-29 05:39 am (UTC)His smile is thoughtful as he strokes the back of the other man's head one more time, soft and...caring. Caring is a step.
"I think you're full of surprises."
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Date: 2021-12-29 05:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-12-29 06:20 am (UTC)That one still stings a bit. He had tried to be brave, and...well. Anyway.
"But then when I came back - you were nothing but giving. Sweet. Sensitive. And...and I've gotten to know you a little more, and you're...you're funny, and smart, patient, and strong, and - and-"
He reddens, going a bit tongue-tied and shrinking into himself a little.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-29 06:44 am (UTC)But then -- " It's his turn to comfort Alfred now, taking his hands and kissing his knuckles. "Then you were at my door again, and all that heartache melted away. Because you came back."
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Date: 2021-12-29 06:54 am (UTC)He had broken Herbert's heart.
His eyes go wide, and they stay wide as he watches Herbert kiss at his hands, being sweet and comforting. He swallows hard, and then....
"Herbert, I'm so sorry for hurting you. I...I didn't know. If I knew then what I know now, I...I might have...." He hesitates for a beat, but he needs to finish the thought.
"I was being so selfish, and I couldn't see that...you and your father both, you were trying to...to show me something. I just wasn't ready to understand it. But I do now."
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Date: 2021-12-29 07:05 am (UTC)Either way, you understand yourself better now. And you understand me better, now. And I'm learning about you, as well." Alfred requires a gentler touch. Slow progress, rather than jumping right into things.
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Date: 2021-12-29 07:09 am (UTC)He smiles again at Herbert's words, squeezing his hands back a little bit.
"...We have time to learn," he finally replies, slowly, reassuring himself just as much as he is reassuring the older vampire.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-29 08:03 pm (UTC)"We do. All the time we could possibly want."
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Date: 2021-12-29 08:18 pm (UTC)His heart still aches for what brought him here, it's true. But he's finding that he's glad he came, even if the process had hurt.
Something warm is blooming in him, and he smiles at Herbert. It had taken a long time for the undercurrent of anxiety to leave that smile.
But it's all gone now.