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The kiss is sudden and - surprising, given the circumstances. But it reinforces the thrill that he wasn't quite sure he'd felt, the rush of catharsis lancing through his heart. He blinks at Herbert, watches the plate drop, then takes up another.
He looks at it, tracing a line in the dust on it.
"...And why SHOULD it always be up to me, anyhow? No one ever asked ME what I wanted while I was alive-"
SMASH. Another.
"No one ever liked who I WAS until I got HERE - not my family, not my teachers, not my classmates, CERTAINLY not the PROFESSOR who could not even REMEMBER MY FUCKING NAME-"
This one hits the wall. Alfred's shoulders are shaking, something vaguely manic in his expression as he finally, FINALLY stops trying to mend the dam around his own heart he's been patching for so long.
He looks at it, tracing a line in the dust on it.
"...And why SHOULD it always be up to me, anyhow? No one ever asked ME what I wanted while I was alive-"
SMASH. Another.
"No one ever liked who I WAS until I got HERE - not my family, not my teachers, not my classmates, CERTAINLY not the PROFESSOR who could not even REMEMBER MY FUCKING NAME-"
This one hits the wall. Alfred's shoulders are shaking, something vaguely manic in his expression as he finally, FINALLY stops trying to mend the dam around his own heart he's been patching for so long.
"...I don't know, Engel."
His tone immediately softens in response - going very gentle, very concerned. He catches the flash as it happens, and he counts the seconds before the next boom rattles the sky. Definitely getting closer.
Alfred pauses to pick up the hoop, setting it aside as he sits on the sofa next to Herbert.
"Are - are you all right?"
His tone immediately softens in response - going very gentle, very concerned. He catches the flash as it happens, and he counts the seconds before the next boom rattles the sky. Definitely getting closer.
Alfred pauses to pick up the hoop, setting it aside as he sits on the sofa next to Herbert.
"Are - are you all right?"
"I think -- " He closes his eyes and flinches hard at the next roll of thunder. "I think I'm going to. To um. I'd like to go to my room. If that's all right."
His bed has curtains that can be drawn. He can be under the covers. Hidden. Safe. "You don't have to -- don't let me stop your work. I'm fine. It's fine."
His bed has curtains that can be drawn. He can be under the covers. Hidden. Safe. "You don't have to -- don't let me stop your work. I'm fine. It's fine."
Oh it breaks Herbert's heart to hear that. That no one appreciated Alfred for the wonder that he is. But now, now at least he has the von Krolocks. He has Magda, who Herbert knows adores him. He has people who care what he thinks, how he feels. People who only want the best for him.
Herbert hands him another plate and squeezes his shoulder, kissing his cheek firmly. "You're doing marvelously, my love. Let it all out. Everything you've been holding back all these years. It's safe, here. You can be yourself, here."
Herbert hands him another plate and squeezes his shoulder, kissing his cheek firmly. "You're doing marvelously, my love. Let it all out. Everything you've been holding back all these years. It's safe, here. You can be yourself, here."
Okay. Something is absolutely wrong. The only time Herbert ever says 'it's fine' like that is when it isn't fine.
Alfred's brows knit together, and he shakes his head a little.
"...Well, then, I will come with you. I - I've never seen you like this before, Engel. I don't think I want to leave you alone, if it's all the same. My sketches can wait." Standing up, he holds out his hand for his lover to take. The older vampire's behavior is putting him to mind of a frightened cat; something tells him that reaching out for a sudden touch is...not going to help.
Alfred's brows knit together, and he shakes his head a little.
"...Well, then, I will come with you. I - I've never seen you like this before, Engel. I don't think I want to leave you alone, if it's all the same. My sketches can wait." Standing up, he holds out his hand for his lover to take. The older vampire's behavior is putting him to mind of a frightened cat; something tells him that reaching out for a sudden touch is...not going to help.
The kiss, the reassurance is met with a breathless look, something like a pained whimper as he tries to process all of this, sort out what his feelings are, what they REALLY are -
He picks up another plate, fangs bared in a little snarl as he lets his mind wander, does as Herbert is saying, lets it finally rise up and out of him
"I can - I can be myself here, finally, and - and that's-"
A memory floods his mind's eye.
"That's more than I can say for the way my own FATHER saw me visit home with a BROKEN ARM and CHIDED ME FOR NOT BEING CAREFUL - I couldn't - I couldn't even tell him WHY-" The porcelain vibrates between his fingers.
"Someone BROKE MY ARM because he CAUGHT ME LOOKING and I couldn't even be HONEST ABOUT THAT because my family was SO WORRIED that they couldn't STAMP IT OUT OF ME."
The plate splinters itself without even being thrown, crumbling to the floor in shards.
He picks up another plate, fangs bared in a little snarl as he lets his mind wander, does as Herbert is saying, lets it finally rise up and out of him
"I can - I can be myself here, finally, and - and that's-"
A memory floods his mind's eye.
"That's more than I can say for the way my own FATHER saw me visit home with a BROKEN ARM and CHIDED ME FOR NOT BEING CAREFUL - I couldn't - I couldn't even tell him WHY-" The porcelain vibrates between his fingers.
"Someone BROKE MY ARM because he CAUGHT ME LOOKING and I couldn't even be HONEST ABOUT THAT because my family was SO WORRIED that they couldn't STAMP IT OUT OF ME."
The plate splinters itself without even being thrown, crumbling to the floor in shards.
"Your father was cruel and senseless," Herbert hisses. He moves towards Alfred again and embraces him this time, kissing his hair. Not to smother his feelings but to reassure him it's all right to feel them.
"You are who you are, and you love who you love. And that is beautiful. The more fool them for not seeing that.
But you will never have to live with that again. Every emotion is welcome. You are allowed to feel whatever it is you feel at any given time. And that is all I'm trying to show you, my love. No feelings are bad, or wrong, and you should be free to feel them whenever you like."
"You are who you are, and you love who you love. And that is beautiful. The more fool them for not seeing that.
But you will never have to live with that again. Every emotion is welcome. You are allowed to feel whatever it is you feel at any given time. And that is all I'm trying to show you, my love. No feelings are bad, or wrong, and you should be free to feel them whenever you like."
"I'm fine." But his voice cracks and he grasps for Alfred's hand desperately. Clinging more tightly than he usually.
"But I -- " Another flash of lightning and Herbert falls into Alfred's arms, gripping the front of his shirt. "I wouldn't mind the company, I'll admit."
"But I -- " Another flash of lightning and Herbert falls into Alfred's arms, gripping the front of his shirt. "I wouldn't mind the company, I'll admit."
Immediately when Herbert latches on, Alfred wraps his arms around him, petting his head, his back, trying to be soothing. He barely even has to try to reach out with his mind to feel what's radiating from his lover; blinding panic, something old and dark scarcely kept at bay. The boy doesn't want to pry or intrude, instead choosing careful words.
"Then we'll go to your room together.
It's okay, you know. If you aren't fine. You tell me the same thing all the time."
Stooping slightly, he simply scoops Herbert up, carrying him bridal-style towards the door so the vampire can keep curled against him, clung to him.
"I...I really have never seen you like this, Engel. Are...you afraid of thunder?"
"Then we'll go to your room together.
It's okay, you know. If you aren't fine. You tell me the same thing all the time."
Stooping slightly, he simply scoops Herbert up, carrying him bridal-style towards the door so the vampire can keep curled against him, clung to him.
"I...I really have never seen you like this, Engel. Are...you afraid of thunder?"
Herbert wraps his arms around Alfred's neck and holds him tightly as he's carried, not even bothering a token protest. He simply clings tight, face against Alfred's neck so as not to see the lightning as they pass by the window.
"I don't like storms," he explains, his voice small, timid. So unlike anything Alfred has heard from him before.
"I don't like storms," he explains, his voice small, timid. So unlike anything Alfred has heard from him before.
Alfred doesn't return the embrace right away - his arms are, for a moment, stiff at his sides, body shaking. But the words help steel him again, bring him back to his senses, and he slowly leans into Herbert, burying his face against soft blonde hair.
"I...I guess I never really...realized how badly it all...hurt."
But he's not coming undone like he normally is - not melting into sobs. He's done plenty of crying.
He just sounds...tired.
So tired.
"There's a reason I don't...talk about it all, Herbert. I don't mean to keep secrets from you. I just - I've locked it all away for such a long time. I had to, or - or I-"
He lets the statement rest there.
"I...I guess I never really...realized how badly it all...hurt."
But he's not coming undone like he normally is - not melting into sobs. He's done plenty of crying.
He just sounds...tired.
So tired.
"There's a reason I don't...talk about it all, Herbert. I don't mean to keep secrets from you. I just - I've locked it all away for such a long time. I had to, or - or I-"
He lets the statement rest there.
"That's okay," Alfred reassures, softly, holding him all the tighter when the thunderclap follows the lightning. The pace is slowing. It's going to linger overhead, and Alfred is immediately worried about what that means given the circumstances.
He doesn't tell that to Herbert though. He hasn't seen this kind of fear in his love before, but...Alfred knows it too well. This sort of deep, searing anxiety.
Steady as anything, he walks down the hall, moving towards Herbert's room.
"This is - a surprise, though. It feels like so few things get to you this way. You don't - sound like yourself, right now."
He doesn't tell that to Herbert though. He hasn't seen this kind of fear in his love before, but...Alfred knows it too well. This sort of deep, searing anxiety.
Steady as anything, he walks down the hall, moving towards Herbert's room.
"This is - a surprise, though. It feels like so few things get to you this way. You don't - sound like yourself, right now."
"Shocking that I have a weakness, I know." He tries to laugh but it comes out cracked. Broken and fearful.
He keeps his face against Alfred's face until they reach his room. Then he moves around the room to close curtains of his windows. Then he draws the drapes around his bed. Making it a safe space. A hidden space.
Herbert kicks off his shoes and crawls onto the bed, pulling his knees up to his chin and wrapping his arms around himself tightly.
He keeps his face against Alfred's face until they reach his room. Then he moves around the room to close curtains of his windows. Then he draws the drapes around his bed. Making it a safe space. A hidden space.
Herbert kicks off his shoes and crawls onto the bed, pulling his knees up to his chin and wrapping his arms around himself tightly.
"No, it - it isn't that. Everyone has something. I have...a lot of somethings. This just - feels different."
Alfred gently sets Herbert down once they're in his room, fingers playing nervously together as he watches the curtains get drawn, the drapes get pulled. He's...a little worried, really. As much as Herbert is trying to dodge the matter, he really hasn't ever seen the man this type of scared. (There was the time when he almost didn't come back, glimpsed from outside his body, but...that was different, too.)
Sliding out of his own boots and shrugging out of his coat, the younger vampire slips through the drapes, moving up to sit right beside the other vampire. Tugging the covers down a bit, he slides under them from the waist down, a patient, quiet little stroke against his lover's arm following shortly after to try to get him to cuddle up.
"...Do you want to talk about it, Engel? You don't - have to, but...you're worrying me."
Alfred gently sets Herbert down once they're in his room, fingers playing nervously together as he watches the curtains get drawn, the drapes get pulled. He's...a little worried, really. As much as Herbert is trying to dodge the matter, he really hasn't ever seen the man this type of scared. (There was the time when he almost didn't come back, glimpsed from outside his body, but...that was different, too.)
Sliding out of his own boots and shrugging out of his coat, the younger vampire slips through the drapes, moving up to sit right beside the other vampire. Tugging the covers down a bit, he slides under them from the waist down, a patient, quiet little stroke against his lover's arm following shortly after to try to get him to cuddle up.
"...Do you want to talk about it, Engel? You don't - have to, but...you're worrying me."
He doesn't move closer, not yet. But he does take Alfred's hand when he reaches out. "I ought to -- " His voice is distracted, brow furrowed in thought. Lost somewhere else.
"If something growls at you, you growl back louder. But I can't. I have to stay quiet. That's the game." Herbert trails off, looking confused with himself. Not quite present.
"I'm sorry. It's been a while since I've seen a storm this bad. Quite... quite a long while."
"If something growls at you, you growl back louder. But I can't. I have to stay quiet. That's the game." Herbert trails off, looking confused with himself. Not quite present.
"I'm sorry. It's been a while since I've seen a storm this bad. Quite... quite a long while."
Oh. That - does not sound good. Alfred doesn't pull at Herbert, able to see that something is Really Wrong, and instead he uses his free hand to rub soothingly at Herbert's fingers, his wrist his forearm. Fear is roiling off the older vampire like a palpable mist, deep shadow blocking out his lover's usual bright colors.
There's something there - clicking softly around the edges of his senses - but he can't make sense of it. Restlessly, he pulls up one of the throw blankets, so that he can drape it over the blonde's shoulders.
"It's okay, Engel. I'm - I'm here. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." And then, softly, lightly -
"...What game do you mean?"
There's something there - clicking softly around the edges of his senses - but he can't make sense of it. Restlessly, he pulls up one of the throw blankets, so that he can drape it over the blonde's shoulders.
"It's okay, Engel. I'm - I'm here. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." And then, softly, lightly -
"...What game do you mean?"
"I can't remember. Just that I had to keep quiet." He accepts the blanket, wrapping it tight around his shoulders the way Georg so often does with his cloak. Like it might protect him from something, even if he's unsure what.
There's a shadow at the edges of his mind. A wolfish shape, something with too many teeth, and he shudders hard, tucking his chin against his knees at another rumble of thunder. "I'm so sorry, I don't know what's come over me. It's this damned storm. Shaken me up. Such a silly thing, to be scared of storms, I know."
There's a shadow at the edges of his mind. A wolfish shape, something with too many teeth, and he shudders hard, tucking his chin against his knees at another rumble of thunder. "I'm so sorry, I don't know what's come over me. It's this damned storm. Shaken me up. Such a silly thing, to be scared of storms, I know."
Bright blue eyes watch with rapt attention - taking in every word, every frightened motion Herbert makes. It's heartbreaking, to see Herbert this way...so scared of something without even knowing why. He knows that sort of fear, knows what it is to want to curl up, to hide, to be so deeply scared that you can't even remember that you had a good reason to be.
He reaches out to carefully run his fingers through Herbert's hair, tucking a stray lock behind his ear.
"...I don't think it's silly at all, Engel. I think-"
He hesitates. He doesn't want to push, but....
"I think...that something...must have happened to you. A long time ago, so that you can't remember. And that can...that can really...tear a person up. I would know." He swallows hard, that restless hand landing on Herbert's shoulder. "You can be afraid. That's okay. Just - let me in, a little. Let it out, and let me in. Let me help shoulder the burden of...whatever this is. I want to do that for you, my moonlight. May I?"
He reaches out to carefully run his fingers through Herbert's hair, tucking a stray lock behind his ear.
"...I don't think it's silly at all, Engel. I think-"
He hesitates. He doesn't want to push, but....
"I think...that something...must have happened to you. A long time ago, so that you can't remember. And that can...that can really...tear a person up. I would know." He swallows hard, that restless hand landing on Herbert's shoulder. "You can be afraid. That's okay. Just - let me in, a little. Let it out, and let me in. Let me help shoulder the burden of...whatever this is. I want to do that for you, my moonlight. May I?"
Herbert starts to crumble at that. His posture slumping, his attempt at a brave face cracking at the seams. He sniffs and realizes there are tears starting to fall down his cheeks. He feels weak and he doesn't like it. Always wanting to be strong, especially for Alfred.
... the best thing to do with things that scare you is to remind them that you are much scarier than they are...
The words come unbidden to him and he flinches, turning towards Alfred and trying to hide against his chest. "I don't know what happened. I don't. Only that whenever there's a storm like this I feel -- god, I feel like a child again. Lost and so so afraid.
I tried to go to father about it, once. But he was -- it was like he was somewhere else. Like I couldn't reach him. So I left him alone."
... the best thing to do with things that scare you is to remind them that you are much scarier than they are...
The words come unbidden to him and he flinches, turning towards Alfred and trying to hide against his chest. "I don't know what happened. I don't. Only that whenever there's a storm like this I feel -- god, I feel like a child again. Lost and so so afraid.
I tried to go to father about it, once. But he was -- it was like he was somewhere else. Like I couldn't reach him. So I left him alone."
There's not a moment of hesitation - the second Herbert is folding in against him, Alfred is wrapping him up tightly in his arms, petting his head, making soothing little sounds. He doesn't tremble, not now. It's his turn to be strong.
As Herbert explains, the boy frowns...Georg too, then. He's felt similar shadows around him, heard similar disjointed noises. It worries him.
"If you're all right with it," he slowly murmurs, keeping his tone gentle, "I can...try to read a little deeper. See what I can find, just to see if I can help.
And if I can't - if this makes you feel like an child, then we can be children about this. I will cover the canopy in blankets, and we will build a fort, and I will hold you. What do you think?"
As Herbert explains, the boy frowns...Georg too, then. He's felt similar shadows around him, heard similar disjointed noises. It worries him.
"If you're all right with it," he slowly murmurs, keeping his tone gentle, "I can...try to read a little deeper. See what I can find, just to see if I can help.
And if I can't - if this makes you feel like an child, then we can be children about this. I will cover the canopy in blankets, and we will build a fort, and I will hold you. What do you think?"
"I -- I suppose, yes. I don't think you can make it worse, just by looking at it. I don't know how much you'll find, but..." Herbert sighs and rests his forehead against Alfred's. Like that might help, somehow. "I don't know how much you'll see. Even I don't know what's in there."
There is something. Footsteps. A faint, whistled tune. The ticking of a clock. Or perhaps it's another, similar noise. A soft, even tch. tch. tch. sort of noise. A flash of teeth (too many teeth) in the shadows, perhaps. But nothing solid, nothing to grasp onto or piece together. Broken images from a shattered memory.
There is something. Footsteps. A faint, whistled tune. The ticking of a clock. Or perhaps it's another, similar noise. A soft, even tch. tch. tch. sort of noise. A flash of teeth (too many teeth) in the shadows, perhaps. But nothing solid, nothing to grasp onto or piece together. Broken images from a shattered memory.
"It's okay. Just relax. Let me try."
Once their foreheads are pressed together, Alfred lets his eyes drift shut. Focus. He's gotten pretty good at this, but this is...this is something different. The pages are there but the binding is torn out, the spine destroyed. If he can just mend it....
"... it's - it's all scrambled up. Th-there are...sounds. I think - I think if I just-"
Mend it. Put it together. There's something in the shadows, silhouetted by lightning. Mend the pages.
"There's - a clicking - AGH-"
He gets close before letting out a little gasp, eyes snapping open as blood trickles from his right nostril.
Once their foreheads are pressed together, Alfred lets his eyes drift shut. Focus. He's gotten pretty good at this, but this is...this is something different. The pages are there but the binding is torn out, the spine destroyed. If he can just mend it....
"... it's - it's all scrambled up. Th-there are...sounds. I think - I think if I just-"
Mend it. Put it together. There's something in the shadows, silhouetted by lightning. Mend the pages.
"There's - a clicking - AGH-"
He gets close before letting out a little gasp, eyes snapping open as blood trickles from his right nostril.
Herbert opens his eyes too as Alfred gasps, reaching up to wipe the blood away. "Please -- don't push yourself too hard. It's buried deep, whatever it is. I don't want you to hurt yourself trying to get at it, my love. My stars.
Please." It's a soft request. One that's cracked around the edges as he reaches out to stroke Alfred's cheek. Whatever it is that's hurting him, he doesn't want it to hurt Alfred, too.
Please." It's a soft request. One that's cracked around the edges as he reaches out to stroke Alfred's cheek. Whatever it is that's hurting him, he doesn't want it to hurt Alfred, too.
There is something...not quite right in Alfred's eyes, just for a moment. He wants to keep going, pulled toward - something. A shadow. A song. He almost seems like he can't see Herbert right in front of him -
But before he can fall deeper, something else intervenes. A steadying presence, a dapple of sunlight.
Too far, little lamb. Back to Herbert.
He shakes himself, wrapping his arms around his lover. "Sorry, I - no more. I won't. I'm okay. I'm okay."
But before he can fall deeper, something else intervenes. A steadying presence, a dapple of sunlight.
Too far, little lamb. Back to Herbert.
He shakes himself, wrapping his arms around his lover. "Sorry, I - no more. I won't. I'm okay. I'm okay."
He doesn't like that expression on Alfred's face. Far away, slightly slackjawed. Like whatever had gotten to Herbert had gotten to him, too.
"Alfred?" he says meekly, nervously. "Alfred my love?"
-- and then he's back and speaking to him again and Herbert throws his arms around Alfred tightly. "There you are. Don't let me lose you, too. I don't know what I'd do without you, my sun. Stay close to me tonight. Please, will you? I don't think I could stand being on my own."
"Alfred?" he says meekly, nervously. "Alfred my love?"
-- and then he's back and speaking to him again and Herbert throws his arms around Alfred tightly. "There you are. Don't let me lose you, too. I don't know what I'd do without you, my sun. Stay close to me tonight. Please, will you? I don't think I could stand being on my own."
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