[The comment about the snowglobes makes him visibly wince - he hadn't thought the word 'crush' in relation to Herbert, not really, not yet.
But....
He sighs, letting the trinket sit there on the table between them.]
It's kind of a long story, but...I used to work for a vampire hunter. A brilliant man, but...he was...he was difficult, and he didn't have a lot of faith in me. Most people don't. I know how I seem.
Someone - someone we met got abducted, and taken to a vampire's castle. We went after her, to...well, I wanted to save her. I....
[He stares down at the table, wrapping both hands around the cup of tea.]
I really thought I loved her. I wanted to be...a hero, for once.
[Phil is quiet for once The way he's talking, and the bite mark on his neck, Phil could guess that this story didn't have a happy ending.
He supposed he could relate to that.
Eventually he gently grasps Alfred's shoulder, feeling a bit out of his depth in helping this poor kid, but knowing he can't just leave.]
So you tried your hardest and you failed. It really fucking sucks but you still tried, didn't you? You risked your life to save someone you cared about.
Look, I'm not going to harp on how my life before Ryslig was "hell on earth" or "a living nightmare", but I understand feeling that no matter how hard you try, everything blows up in your face.
[He offers him a small smile.]
And if you ask me, dying trying to save someone's life is a lot more badass than anything I ever did.
[When his shoulder is grasped, Alfred stares at the hand for a moment, sliding his gaze up the attached arm to fix Phil with an attentive look. He doesn't cut the other man off, doesn't bristle because the intent is kind - in fact, he attempts to smile back, a flimsy, half-formed thing that doesn't quite reach his eyes.]
...Thank you. Really, thank you for saying that. But there is...still more to it than that.
She...didn't love me. Not at all. And I didn't want to see it, because a lot of people don't really, ah...like me. But the...the castle? The vampires there? They...spoke of me like I belonged there. And...and when you spend years being told there are so many things wrong with who you are, then someone - someone wants you, but it's - it's not who you-
[His voice breaks, and Alfred himself is dangerously close to breaking, too. He looks at the tiny figure of Herbert in the snowglobe, tears tracking down his cheeks.]
You...you may have noticed...that my doppelganger was...was a vampire, when I am not.
He was better, more comfortable at being me than I am. Remembering...everything he did just...makes me feel like I am in my own way. But I don't know how not to be.
I've realized that I don't know who I am. What I want, what I like. The Alfred who you were...with? He was free.
Look, kid, you're young but you'll eventually learn that relationships are hell to deal with, you may eventually find yourself a nice girlfriend... or boyfriend, but sometimes they don't love you back or they're a vampire. That's life, you have to be able to take some hits if you want love.
[That second part however makes him think. Phil lets out a deep exhale and looks at the floor for a moment. God, he hated how much he related to this.]
... You're not the only one who feels lost.
[He squeezes Alfred's shoulder.]
You met my doppelganger, and I can tell you he acted just like that around me too. He was just so... so perfect. He barely even seemed like me anymore even though he insists that he used to be just like me. He was so fucking kind and patient and good at everything he did.
That man was so much better than me, and I'm not sure I could ever be like him.
[For a moment, as Phil talks, Alfred places his face in one hand, shoulders taut with shame, with confusion, with frustration...but then the conversation shifts. Phil's tone shifts. The squeeze of his shoulder makes him look up, brushing tears out of his own eyes as he watches the man talk.
He's quiet, for a moment, turning it all over in his head. He feels...understood, and the hollow cast to his expression shifts a little more towards sympathy.
His hand moves up to rest over Phil's. Gentle, as is his voice.]
...I did meet him. He was very nice, but...you are...also nicer than you think you are.
You didn't have to come to see me. But here you are. You are...a good friend, Phil. I'm not angry with you, for what you did. I just...it's hard to know what to think, yet.
And...I like you better, as you are.
[His brows knit a little bit together, and he sputters a weak little laugh, looking away.]
For what that is worth. I know I'm - I'm embarrassing, I'm sorry.
[Phil listens, genuinely shocked that Alfred was saying this about him. He supposed he cared about this poor kid a little, considering that he came over and brought food for him. But to say that this kid likes him better, better than a man who saved him?
He didn't know what to think about that.
Eventually, he's brought back at Alfred's final comment, and Phil starts to laugh himself.]
Yeah, you're kind of embarrassing, but hey, you're in good company. I still sometimes forget that I have to wear pants in public.
[It's honestly a miracle he even showed up with pants here.]
[Maybe, just a little bit - this sudden burst of sweetness is coming from a place of evasion. It's easier for him to step outside himself again to comfort someone else than it is to confront some of the deeper truths of the matter.
But even he doesn't fully realize that now, as he loosens up, by degrees, laughing with Phil.]
I think, with all we have been going through, a lack of pants isn't the worst thing you could do. You...you saw what I was wearing, when I got here.
[That frilly, stolen coat is still hanging in his closet, actually.]
...But this is what I mean. I like...this you. The other one didn't feel quite...real, to me.
[Phil bursts into laughing thinking about Alfred's shirt.]
Oh man I thought that was some weird shit people in your time actually worse! Glad you thought it was a stupid shirt too.
[His laugh dies down again as he pulls Alfred slightly closer to him. Ugh, this kid was too nice, too sweet to him. He doesn't know why Alfred would look at him and think he was the better one of the two.]
...You know what I think?
I think I like you better than that other you too. That guy was absolutely full of himself.
No, I - I stole that, from a vampire at the ball. It was...a stupid plan.
[It feels...nice, to laugh. But then he's being pulled closer, and he reddens a little. Phil is...nice looking, and now Alfred knows his touch in a different context.
But the words are very kind, and unconsciously, his tail slithers up and around the other man, very lightly curling about him. He smiles, sheepishly, his voice small and sweet.]
[He feels Alfred's tail curl around him and he can't help but grin smugly. When this kid is feeling less down on himself he's going to confront the demon about his feelings towards him to see how he reacts. He already gets the feeling he's going to enjoy his answer.
In the meantime, he laughs and moves to ruffle his hair lightly.]
Of course I do. That other you was all talk, like he was trying to prove something with me. You... you're nice, genuinely. You don't know how long I've had to deal with bullshit fake kindness where I'm from.
[Pause.]
But I'll like you even more if you drink that tea I graciously bought for you before it gets cold.
[He will also take the donuts if Alfred doesn't eat them, that is a threat.]
Edited (html pensive) Date: 2022-03-01 02:27 am (UTC)
[Alfred is oblivious to why he's grinning - he's already a touch flustered, though, and Phil has a nice smile, he thinks. He giggles a little under the ruffling of his hair, almost leaning catlike into the touch.]
...I...I haven't had a lot of kindness aimed in my direction. So I try to give it to others, where I can, because...well, as you just said. I like giving others something genuine. I'm...I'm glad, to hear that you like - ah - like who I am.
[It takes him a second to process the comment - and the he blinks, chuckling sheepishly.]
I'm - you're right, I'm sorry, I've been a little rude. Actually can I - if you have a little time, can I get you anything?
[He pauses a little, glancing to his kitchen and back.]
I...still have a bottle of Scotch that my double didn't drink.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-02-07 06:57 am (UTC)[The comment about the snowglobes makes him visibly wince - he hadn't thought the word 'crush' in relation to Herbert, not really, not yet.
But....
He sighs, letting the trinket sit there on the table between them.]
It's kind of a long story, but...I used to work for a vampire hunter. A brilliant man, but...he was...he was difficult, and he didn't have a lot of faith in me. Most people don't. I know how I seem.
Someone - someone we met got abducted, and taken to a vampire's castle. We went after her, to...well, I wanted to save her. I....
[He stares down at the table, wrapping both hands around the cup of tea.]
I really thought I loved her. I wanted to be...a hero, for once.
no subject
Date: 2022-02-07 01:20 pm (UTC)He supposed he could relate to that.
Eventually he gently grasps Alfred's shoulder, feeling a bit out of his depth in helping this poor kid, but knowing he can't just leave.]
So you tried your hardest and you failed. It really fucking sucks but you still tried, didn't you? You risked your life to save someone you cared about.
Look, I'm not going to harp on how my life before Ryslig was "hell on earth" or "a living nightmare", but I understand feeling that no matter how hard you try, everything blows up in your face.
[He offers him a small smile.]
And if you ask me, dying trying to save someone's life is a lot more badass than anything I ever did.
no subject
Date: 2022-02-08 11:02 am (UTC)...Thank you. Really, thank you for saying that. But there is...still more to it than that.
She...didn't love me. Not at all. And I didn't want to see it, because a lot of people don't really, ah...like me. But the...the castle? The vampires there? They...spoke of me like I belonged there. And...and when you spend years being told there are so many things wrong with who you are, then someone - someone wants you, but it's - it's not who you-
[His voice breaks, and Alfred himself is dangerously close to breaking, too. He looks at the tiny figure of Herbert in the snowglobe, tears tracking down his cheeks.]
You...you may have noticed...that my doppelganger was...was a vampire, when I am not.
He was better, more comfortable at being me than I am. Remembering...everything he did just...makes me feel like I am in my own way. But I don't know how not to be.
I've realized that I don't know who I am. What I want, what I like. The Alfred who you were...with? He was free.
I just feel...lost.
no subject
Date: 2022-02-09 02:00 am (UTC)[That second part however makes him think. Phil lets out a deep exhale and looks at the floor for a moment. God, he hated how much he related to this.]
... You're not the only one who feels lost.
[He squeezes Alfred's shoulder.]
You met my doppelganger, and I can tell you he acted just like that around me too. He was just so... so perfect. He barely even seemed like me anymore even though he insists that he used to be just like me. He was so fucking kind and patient and good at everything he did.
That man was so much better than me, and I'm not sure I could ever be like him.
no subject
Date: 2022-02-09 10:19 am (UTC)He's quiet, for a moment, turning it all over in his head. He feels...understood, and the hollow cast to his expression shifts a little more towards sympathy.
His hand moves up to rest over Phil's. Gentle, as is his voice.]
...I did meet him. He was very nice, but...you are...also nicer than you think you are.
You didn't have to come to see me. But here you are. You are...a good friend, Phil. I'm not angry with you, for what you did. I just...it's hard to know what to think, yet.
And...I like you better, as you are.
[His brows knit a little bit together, and he sputters a weak little laugh, looking away.]
For what that is worth. I know I'm - I'm embarrassing, I'm sorry.
no subject
Date: 2022-02-13 03:08 am (UTC)He didn't know what to think about that.
Eventually, he's brought back at Alfred's final comment, and Phil starts to laugh himself.]
Yeah, you're kind of embarrassing, but hey, you're in good company. I still sometimes forget that I have to wear pants in public.
[It's honestly a miracle he even showed up with pants here.]
no subject
Date: 2022-02-13 09:22 am (UTC)But even he doesn't fully realize that now, as he loosens up, by degrees, laughing with Phil.]
I think, with all we have been going through, a lack of pants isn't the worst thing you could do. You...you saw what I was wearing, when I got here.
[That frilly, stolen coat is still hanging in his closet, actually.]
...But this is what I mean. I like...this you. The other one didn't feel quite...real, to me.
no subject
Date: 2022-02-21 03:07 am (UTC)Oh man I thought that was some weird shit people in your time actually worse! Glad you thought it was a stupid shirt too.
[His laugh dies down again as he pulls Alfred slightly closer to him. Ugh, this kid was too nice, too sweet to him. He doesn't know why Alfred would look at him and think he was the better one of the two.]
...You know what I think?
I think I like you better than that other you too. That guy was absolutely full of himself.
no subject
Date: 2022-02-21 04:45 am (UTC)[It feels...nice, to laugh. But then he's being pulled closer, and he reddens a little. Phil is...nice looking, and now Alfred knows his touch in a different context.
But the words are very kind, and unconsciously, his tail slithers up and around the other man, very lightly curling about him. He smiles, sheepishly, his voice small and sweet.]
...You...do? Really?
no subject
Date: 2022-03-01 02:27 am (UTC)In the meantime, he laughs and moves to ruffle his hair lightly.]
Of course I do. That other you was all talk, like he was trying to prove something with me. You... you're nice, genuinely. You don't know how long I've had to deal with bullshit fake kindness where I'm from.
[Pause.]
But I'll like you even more if you drink that tea I graciously bought for you before it gets cold.
[He will also take the donuts if Alfred doesn't eat them, that is a threat.]
no subject
Date: 2022-03-02 02:33 am (UTC)...I...I haven't had a lot of kindness aimed in my direction. So I try to give it to others, where I can, because...well, as you just said. I like giving others something genuine. I'm...I'm glad, to hear that you like - ah - like who I am.
[It takes him a second to process the comment - and the he blinks, chuckling sheepishly.]
I'm - you're right, I'm sorry, I've been a little rude. Actually can I - if you have a little time, can I get you anything?
[He pauses a little, glancing to his kitchen and back.]
I...still have a bottle of Scotch that my double didn't drink.