Herbert is GLAD that he's angry - and that stokes him even further, coaxing a furious hiss from the pent-up young man. He's not sure why this is making him quite so furious, exactly. It's hard to put a finger on, and that's even MORE irritating.
"Good? HOW could this feel - I don't LIKE destroying things, Herbert - I don't-"
On impulse, the hand in the wall rears back, twining instead into his lover's collar and pulling him very close. He still won't hit him, but - oh, he is LIVID.
"I FIX things. I'm the man who FIXES things, not the one who BREAKS THEM. That is what I am FOR, that is what I was always SUPPOSED TO DO - PRESERVE, UPHOLD, REPAIR EVERYONE ELSE'S MESS-"
Oh.
He blinks, looking for all the world like he has just popped a joint that had been locked stiff for 25 years.
There it is. Herbert's grin only widens as he's hauled closer, infuriatingly enough, and he sets his hands against Alfred's chest.
"And isn't that exhausting? Always being the one to fix things. It's not what you're for, Alfred. You're a person, with emotions that you're allowed to feel instead of just jamming them down or aside.
The realization doesn't switch the anger off. And that's the thing, isn't it? It hurts still, like he's just pulled an arrow out and now he's bleeding. Usually, Alfred's frustration manifests in flushed tears, in curling up and sobbing. Right now, there's ice in his veins, a still fury settling upon him like a mantle.
His hands tighten in Herbert's collar a moment, eyes darting down to graceful hands on his chest. If his heart could beat, it would be pounding.
"It is. It is exhausting, and I - I-"
He lets go of his lover, but doesn't move away.
"Not in here. I don't want to break anything I'm going to have to repair." Well, that's a new tone. Frigid, sharp. "You want me to break something? Fine, Herbert. Take me somewhere else, then."
"To the kitchen, then. All those plates are gathering dust." He wraps his arm around Alfred's shoulders and leads the way down to the kitchen.
Once they're there, he throws open the cabinets, stacking plates on the table. The bowls and cups and goblets he leaves, since they use those, but they have a fair share of dinner plates and platters they can work their way through.
With a wicked grin, Herbert picks up a plate and flings it against the wall, laughing as it smashes into pieces.
It makes sense. They don't need plates for anything. It still feels strange to be setting out to break things simply to do it, and a twinge of guilt threatens to take Alfred back down from his rage. He watches Herbert stack up dishes, taking one in his hands and turning it over, wariness in his expression -
Until he visibly flinches at the sound of the plate shattering.
'Clumsy boy - get a broom and sweep that right this instant! Thoughtless - you must be better.' His jaw sets hard.
"...I'll show you thoughtless, Father-" he hisses suddenly, rearing his arm back and hurtling the dish hard at the ground in front of him.
"Perfect!" Herbert cups his hands over Alfred's face and presses a firm kiss to his mouth. He takes another plate and lets it fall to the ground, then grinds the pieces beneath the heel of his boot.
The kiss is sudden and - surprising, given the circumstances. But it reinforces the thrill that he wasn't quite sure he'd felt, the rush of catharsis lancing through his heart. He blinks at Herbert, watches the plate drop, then takes up another.
He looks at it, tracing a line in the dust on it.
"...And why SHOULD it always be up to me, anyhow? No one ever asked ME what I wanted while I was alive-"
SMASH. Another.
"No one ever liked who I WAS until I got HERE - not my family, not my teachers, not my classmates, CERTAINLY not the PROFESSOR who could not even REMEMBER MY FUCKING NAME-"
This one hits the wall. Alfred's shoulders are shaking, something vaguely manic in his expression as he finally, FINALLY stops trying to mend the dam around his own heart he's been patching for so long.
Oh it breaks Herbert's heart to hear that. That no one appreciated Alfred for the wonder that he is. But now, now at least he has the von Krolocks. He has Magda, who Herbert knows adores him. He has people who care what he thinks, how he feels. People who only want the best for him.
Herbert hands him another plate and squeezes his shoulder, kissing his cheek firmly. "You're doing marvelously, my love. Let it all out. Everything you've been holding back all these years. It's safe, here. You can be yourself, here."
The kiss, the reassurance is met with a breathless look, something like a pained whimper as he tries to process all of this, sort out what his feelings are, what they REALLY are -
He picks up another plate, fangs bared in a little snarl as he lets his mind wander, does as Herbert is saying, lets it finally rise up and out of him
"I can - I can be myself here, finally, and - and that's-"
A memory floods his mind's eye.
"That's more than I can say for the way my own FATHER saw me visit home with a BROKEN ARM and CHIDED ME FOR NOT BEING CAREFUL - I couldn't - I couldn't even tell him WHY-" The porcelain vibrates between his fingers.
"Someone BROKE MY ARM because he CAUGHT ME LOOKING and I couldn't even be HONEST ABOUT THAT because my family was SO WORRIED that they couldn't STAMP IT OUT OF ME."
The plate splinters itself without even being thrown, crumbling to the floor in shards.
"Your father was cruel and senseless," Herbert hisses. He moves towards Alfred again and embraces him this time, kissing his hair. Not to smother his feelings but to reassure him it's all right to feel them.
"You are who you are, and you love who you love. And that is beautiful. The more fool them for not seeing that.
But you will never have to live with that again. Every emotion is welcome. You are allowed to feel whatever it is you feel at any given time. And that is all I'm trying to show you, my love. No feelings are bad, or wrong, and you should be free to feel them whenever you like."
Alfred doesn't return the embrace right away - his arms are, for a moment, stiff at his sides, body shaking. But the words help steel him again, bring him back to his senses, and he slowly leans into Herbert, burying his face against soft blonde hair.
"I...I guess I never really...realized how badly it all...hurt."
But he's not coming undone like he normally is - not melting into sobs. He's done plenty of crying.
He just sounds...tired.
So tired.
"There's a reason I don't...talk about it all, Herbert. I don't mean to keep secrets from you. I just - I've locked it all away for such a long time. I had to, or - or I-"
"Or you'd break something," he finishes for Alfred. Because the alternative, what he thinks Alfred might mean, makes him seethe with anger and he makes a promise to himself to one day find Alfred's father and make him pay for what he's done to this remarkable boy.
"No emotions will be punished here. We'll buy stacks and stacks of plates for you to throw, whenever you feel the need to let go a little."
He doesn't want to make Alfred talk about it, if he doesn't have to. If he doesn't want to. It's easy enough to shift subjects and let Alfred talk about what happened to him on his own time.
Herbert hugs Alfred all the more tightly, when he returns the embrace. "What are we wasting? We have the money. Why not be a little frivolous now and then."
Good plan, Herbert. It's easier right now to see the cracks Alfred has been so long trying to keep taped together, and it might not take much to shake him apart.
"I...I suppose that's true. I'm not used to thinking that way. My family wasn't - well - everything here is much...more than I am used to, even now." A little sheepish. He's used to making every little thing last as long as it can, after all.
"I know, mon cheri. But we're all here to spoil you. Father and I are very intent on giving you everything your heart could possibly desire.
If you want an entire room of fine china that you can go and smash when you're feeling upset, we'll get it for you. Actually, that sounds like quite a bit of fun."
Hebert gently cradles the back of Alfred's head, petting him softly. "We know you do. And in time, you'll grow more used to us spoiling you utterly. We just want you to be happy, mon cheri. And if we're ever too much, please do tell us. We'll try to dote on you slightly less."
Oh, now that he's coming down from the fury, he can feel tears starting, in spite of himself. But they aren't sadness - they're catharsis, they're relief. He clings a little.
"All right. I - I will. I know it's out of love, it's just...well, I'm not used to not having to...to prove anything."
"There is nothing you ever need to prove with me, my love. You are who you are, and who you are is brilliant. I love every part of you. Even the sad ones. Even the angry ones. It doesn't matter because all of them come together to make up the man I adore so dearly."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-04-16 07:51 am (UTC)"Good? HOW could this feel - I don't LIKE destroying things, Herbert - I don't-"
On impulse, the hand in the wall rears back, twining instead into his lover's collar and pulling him very close. He still won't hit him, but - oh, he is LIVID.
"I FIX things. I'm the man who FIXES things, not the one who BREAKS THEM. That is what I am FOR, that is what I was always SUPPOSED TO DO - PRESERVE, UPHOLD, REPAIR EVERYONE ELSE'S MESS-"
Oh.
He blinks, looking for all the world like he has just popped a joint that had been locked stiff for 25 years.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-16 01:01 pm (UTC)"And isn't that exhausting? Always being the one to fix things. It's not what you're for, Alfred. You're a person, with emotions that you're allowed to feel instead of just jamming them down or aside.
So break something, for once."
no subject
Date: 2022-04-16 11:44 pm (UTC)His hands tighten in Herbert's collar a moment, eyes darting down to graceful hands on his chest. If his heart could beat, it would be pounding.
"It is. It is exhausting, and I - I-"
He lets go of his lover, but doesn't move away.
"Not in here. I don't want to break anything I'm going to have to repair." Well, that's a new tone. Frigid, sharp. "You want me to break something? Fine, Herbert. Take me somewhere else, then."
no subject
Date: 2022-04-16 11:53 pm (UTC)Once they're there, he throws open the cabinets, stacking plates on the table. The bowls and cups and goblets he leaves, since they use those, but they have a fair share of dinner plates and platters they can work their way through.
With a wicked grin, Herbert picks up a plate and flings it against the wall, laughing as it smashes into pieces.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-17 12:01 am (UTC)Until he visibly flinches at the sound of the plate shattering.
'Clumsy boy - get a broom and sweep that right this instant! Thoughtless - you must be better.' His jaw sets hard.
"...I'll show you thoughtless, Father-" he hisses suddenly, rearing his arm back and hurtling the dish hard at the ground in front of him.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-17 12:11 am (UTC)"You're doing marvelously, my dear."
no subject
Date: 2022-04-18 12:59 am (UTC)He looks at it, tracing a line in the dust on it.
"...And why SHOULD it always be up to me, anyhow? No one ever asked ME what I wanted while I was alive-"
SMASH. Another.
"No one ever liked who I WAS until I got HERE - not my family, not my teachers, not my classmates, CERTAINLY not the PROFESSOR who could not even REMEMBER MY FUCKING NAME-"
This one hits the wall. Alfred's shoulders are shaking, something vaguely manic in his expression as he finally, FINALLY stops trying to mend the dam around his own heart he's been patching for so long.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-18 01:15 am (UTC)Herbert hands him another plate and squeezes his shoulder, kissing his cheek firmly. "You're doing marvelously, my love. Let it all out. Everything you've been holding back all these years. It's safe, here. You can be yourself, here."
no subject
Date: 2022-04-18 01:29 am (UTC)He picks up another plate, fangs bared in a little snarl as he lets his mind wander, does as Herbert is saying, lets it finally rise up and out of him
"I can - I can be myself here, finally, and - and that's-"
A memory floods his mind's eye.
"That's more than I can say for the way my own FATHER saw me visit home with a BROKEN ARM and CHIDED ME FOR NOT BEING CAREFUL - I couldn't - I couldn't even tell him WHY-" The porcelain vibrates between his fingers.
"Someone BROKE MY ARM because he CAUGHT ME LOOKING and I couldn't even be HONEST ABOUT THAT because my family was SO WORRIED that they couldn't STAMP IT OUT OF ME."
The plate splinters itself without even being thrown, crumbling to the floor in shards.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-18 01:34 am (UTC)"You are who you are, and you love who you love. And that is beautiful. The more fool them for not seeing that.
But you will never have to live with that again. Every emotion is welcome. You are allowed to feel whatever it is you feel at any given time. And that is all I'm trying to show you, my love. No feelings are bad, or wrong, and you should be free to feel them whenever you like."
no subject
Date: 2022-04-18 02:41 am (UTC)"I...I guess I never really...realized how badly it all...hurt."
But he's not coming undone like he normally is - not melting into sobs. He's done plenty of crying.
He just sounds...tired.
So tired.
"There's a reason I don't...talk about it all, Herbert. I don't mean to keep secrets from you. I just - I've locked it all away for such a long time. I had to, or - or I-"
He lets the statement rest there.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-17 10:25 pm (UTC)"No emotions will be punished here. We'll buy stacks and stacks of plates for you to throw, whenever you feel the need to let go a little."
no subject
Date: 2022-05-19 03:56 am (UTC)And that's just as well.
"Yes. I - I don't - like - to do things that might hurt others."
His arms wrap tight around his love, finally embracing him back. "...I...really? You don't think that - seems - wasteful?"
no subject
Date: 2022-05-20 12:00 am (UTC)Herbert hugs Alfred all the more tightly, when he returns the embrace. "What are we wasting? We have the money. Why not be a little frivolous now and then."
no subject
Date: 2022-05-20 01:54 am (UTC)"I...I suppose that's true. I'm not used to thinking that way. My family wasn't - well - everything here is much...more than I am used to, even now." A little sheepish. He's used to making every little thing last as long as it can, after all.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-20 02:15 am (UTC)If you want an entire room of fine china that you can go and smash when you're feeling upset, we'll get it for you. Actually, that sounds like quite a bit of fun."
no subject
Date: 2022-05-20 04:06 am (UTC)Heaving a long, steadying sigh, he rests his forehead exhaustedly against Herbert's shoulder, muffling his voice against his lover's shirt.
"You're both so good to me - and I hope that you know I appreciate it. I do. I'm just...even after all this time, I'm not used to it."
no subject
Date: 2022-05-21 12:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-05-24 04:50 am (UTC)"All right. I - I will. I know it's out of love, it's just...well, I'm not used to not having to...to prove anything."
no subject
Date: 2022-05-25 10:27 am (UTC)