The way she looks at him, so full of distrust, disappointment - it visibly breaks Alfred, a faint whimper sounding in the back of his throat. Her flinch away from his hand makes him flinch in turn, drawing the fingers back and hovering them in midair as though she has burned him.
Maybe she has, in a way.
You're not like them, she had said. But Alfred doesn't know who 'them' is. He doesn't know the whole of what happened to her at the Carnival, spared the ugliest details for his sanity. He doesn't know what she's been through before that, either, blind to the terrors that spring to her mind.
No, the only person he can think of is the Count.
And standing here, he feels he is becoming just like him.
"What I want," he finally manages, his voice breaking and soft as he folds in upon himself, "is for you to be safe, Seras. And right now, that's...not here. That's not with me."
He takes a little step back, wrapping his arms around himself like a bat might do with their wings. There is fondness, there, in his eyes. There is still warmth, but there is grief there, too. Mourning another thing he's screwed up, because he's always better in theory than in practice.
He desperately wants to wipe away those tears. But he can't. He can't be trusted.
"I know you weren't. I know. But I've - hurt you enough. You - you should - you...should...I can...I can still...."
Distance starts to cloud his eyes again, his whole body trembling as his gaze wanders, goes fuzzy.
"I'm-- I'm not afraid of you! I--I'm not afraid of what you'll do to me--"
It's only partially a lie, because she would be devastated if he took the same path as those others, if he took advantage of her the way they had, but--
"--I'm afraid of what you'll do to yourself."
Seras knows well what self-loathing can do to a person, what the endless cycle of acceptance and connection and failure and loss and blame leads to and what kind of damage it causes. Hell, she's experiencing it right now alongside him, like those other terrible things they'd found out they had in common not all that long ago. It's so much more devastating to witness from the outside, to see it reflected in someone she cared so much for, with no way to really help. The most devastating part of it all was knowing being there was all she could offer him in the first place, and now... she was taking that away from him, too.
Everything was being taken from both of them, through no fault of their own and circumstance alone. Fate rarely played in Seras' favor, time had run out, and luck had never been on her side... another unfortunate reality to share with Alfred.
Again, she attempts to follow his line of sight, but this time finds that it leads to nothing. He's getting lost again. Whatever it is that is doing this to him is coming back--
"Alfred-- there's nothing there, it's just-- it's just us." she reaches for him once more, settling her paws over his hands, trying to catch his wandering gaze with her own, to try to ground him before he floats away again. "Who? Who do you hear?"
It's easier to let it happen, isn't it? There's peace there, there's so much less fear and suffering if he just drifts into that song. If he sinks, like the Count said. That is what it feels like, like sinking into something dark and velvet-soft -
At Seras's touch, Alfred comes back to himself for a split second, long enough to give her a haunting, terrified, desperate look; a man with three fingers left on the edge of a cliff, realizing he can't hold on one moment longer.
"I can't - Seras, I don't want to- I can't, I c-can...can....."
And just like that, he loses his grip, expression going vacant, hollow, unfocused as he slumps down like a ragdoll to his knees, all fight gone out of him.
"...Can hear...the Count. He's still singing to me. It's...it's beautiful, isn't it…?"
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-06-12 08:53 am (UTC)The way she looks at him, so full of distrust, disappointment - it visibly breaks Alfred, a faint whimper sounding in the back of his throat. Her flinch away from his hand makes him flinch in turn, drawing the fingers back and hovering them in midair as though she has burned him.
Maybe she has, in a way.
You're not like them, she had said. But Alfred doesn't know who 'them' is. He doesn't know the whole of what happened to her at the Carnival, spared the ugliest details for his sanity. He doesn't know what she's been through before that, either, blind to the terrors that spring to her mind.
No, the only person he can think of is the Count.
And standing here, he feels he is becoming just like him.
"What I want," he finally manages, his voice breaking and soft as he folds in upon himself, "is for you to be safe, Seras. And right now, that's...not here. That's not with me."
He takes a little step back, wrapping his arms around himself like a bat might do with their wings. There is fondness, there, in his eyes. There is still warmth, but there is grief there, too. Mourning another thing he's screwed up, because he's always better in theory than in practice.
He desperately wants to wipe away those tears. But he can't. He can't be trusted.
"I know you weren't. I know. But I've - hurt you enough. You - you should - you...should...I can...I can still...."
Distance starts to cloud his eyes again, his whole body trembling as his gaze wanders, goes fuzzy.
"...I can...still hear him...."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-13 02:07 am (UTC)It's only partially a lie, because she would be devastated if he took the same path as those others, if he took advantage of her the way they had, but--
"--I'm afraid of what you'll do to yourself."
Seras knows well what self-loathing can do to a person, what the endless cycle of acceptance and connection and failure and loss and blame leads to and what kind of damage it causes. Hell, she's experiencing it right now alongside him, like those other terrible things they'd found out they had in common not all that long ago. It's so much more devastating to witness from the outside, to see it reflected in someone she cared so much for, with no way to really help. The most devastating part of it all was knowing being there was all she could offer him in the first place, and now... she was taking that away from him, too.
Everything was being taken from both of them, through no fault of their own and circumstance alone. Fate rarely played in Seras' favor, time had run out, and luck had never been on her side... another unfortunate reality to share with Alfred.
Again, she attempts to follow his line of sight, but this time finds that it leads to nothing. He's getting lost again. Whatever it is that is doing this to him is coming back--
"Alfred-- there's nothing there, it's just-- it's just us." she reaches for him once more, settling her paws over his hands, trying to catch his wandering gaze with her own, to try to ground him before he floats away again. "Who? Who do you hear?"
no subject
Date: 2022-06-14 12:32 am (UTC)At Seras's touch, Alfred comes back to himself for a split second, long enough to give her a haunting, terrified, desperate look; a man with three fingers left on the edge of a cliff, realizing he can't hold on one moment longer.
"I can't - Seras, I don't want to- I can't, I c-can...can....."
And just like that, he loses his grip, expression going vacant, hollow, unfocused as he slumps down like a ragdoll to his knees, all fight gone out of him.
"...Can hear...the Count. He's still singing to me. It's...it's beautiful, isn't it…?"
His words dissolve into mumbles.
Alfred is broken.