"I'm-- I'm not afraid of you! I--I'm not afraid of what you'll do to me--"
It's only partially a lie, because she would be devastated if he took the same path as those others, if he took advantage of her the way they had, but--
"--I'm afraid of what you'll do to yourself."
Seras knows well what self-loathing can do to a person, what the endless cycle of acceptance and connection and failure and loss and blame leads to and what kind of damage it causes. Hell, she's experiencing it right now alongside him, like those other terrible things they'd found out they had in common not all that long ago. It's so much more devastating to witness from the outside, to see it reflected in someone she cared so much for, with no way to really help. The most devastating part of it all was knowing being there was all she could offer him in the first place, and now... she was taking that away from him, too.
Everything was being taken from both of them, through no fault of their own and circumstance alone. Fate rarely played in Seras' favor, time had run out, and luck had never been on her side... another unfortunate reality to share with Alfred.
Again, she attempts to follow his line of sight, but this time finds that it leads to nothing. He's getting lost again. Whatever it is that is doing this to him is coming back--
"Alfred-- there's nothing there, it's just-- it's just us." she reaches for him once more, settling her paws over his hands, trying to catch his wandering gaze with her own, to try to ground him before he floats away again. "Who? Who do you hear?"
It's easier to let it happen, isn't it? There's peace there, there's so much less fear and suffering if he just drifts into that song. If he sinks, like the Count said. That is what it feels like, like sinking into something dark and velvet-soft -
At Seras's touch, Alfred comes back to himself for a split second, long enough to give her a haunting, terrified, desperate look; a man with three fingers left on the edge of a cliff, realizing he can't hold on one moment longer.
"I can't - Seras, I don't want to- I can't, I c-can...can....."
And just like that, he loses his grip, expression going vacant, hollow, unfocused as he slumps down like a ragdoll to his knees, all fight gone out of him.
"...Can hear...the Count. He's still singing to me. It's...it's beautiful, isn't it…?"
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-06-13 02:07 am (UTC)It's only partially a lie, because she would be devastated if he took the same path as those others, if he took advantage of her the way they had, but--
"--I'm afraid of what you'll do to yourself."
Seras knows well what self-loathing can do to a person, what the endless cycle of acceptance and connection and failure and loss and blame leads to and what kind of damage it causes. Hell, she's experiencing it right now alongside him, like those other terrible things they'd found out they had in common not all that long ago. It's so much more devastating to witness from the outside, to see it reflected in someone she cared so much for, with no way to really help. The most devastating part of it all was knowing being there was all she could offer him in the first place, and now... she was taking that away from him, too.
Everything was being taken from both of them, through no fault of their own and circumstance alone. Fate rarely played in Seras' favor, time had run out, and luck had never been on her side... another unfortunate reality to share with Alfred.
Again, she attempts to follow his line of sight, but this time finds that it leads to nothing. He's getting lost again. Whatever it is that is doing this to him is coming back--
"Alfred-- there's nothing there, it's just-- it's just us." she reaches for him once more, settling her paws over his hands, trying to catch his wandering gaze with her own, to try to ground him before he floats away again. "Who? Who do you hear?"
no subject
Date: 2022-06-14 12:32 am (UTC)At Seras's touch, Alfred comes back to himself for a split second, long enough to give her a haunting, terrified, desperate look; a man with three fingers left on the edge of a cliff, realizing he can't hold on one moment longer.
"I can't - Seras, I don't want to- I can't, I c-can...can....."
And just like that, he loses his grip, expression going vacant, hollow, unfocused as he slumps down like a ragdoll to his knees, all fight gone out of him.
"...Can hear...the Count. He's still singing to me. It's...it's beautiful, isn't it…?"
His words dissolve into mumbles.
Alfred is broken.