Closed RP Spot for loveinsideme/nachtvogel [NSFW WITHIN]

[heyhohey]

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[loveinsideme]

Alfred has been gently washed off, cleaned of all the sweat and -- everything else from his earlier ordeal with Georg. He's shirtless, because Georg had insisted on him being restrained at least at the wrists, but Herbert had slipped his pyjama pants onto him. Bad enough Alfred has to wake up restrained, at least he can have his modesty.

Herbert is sitting next to him on the bed. There's a wine bottle of blood, as well as a bowl and a spoon so that Herbert can help Alfred eat something.

"I ought to be furious with you," he sulks, taking up a basin of warm water and a washcloth and dabbing at Alfred's forehead, stroking the damp washcloth over his cheeks. "Mostly I'm just worried. You frightened me."

[heyhohey]

The sound of Herbert's voice manages to break through the haze, and the soft sensation of the cloth being run over his face helps to further pull Alfred towards consciousness. He blinks a few times, finally getting his vision to zero in on his lover.

His very worried looking lover.

The younger vampire frowns a little, brows furrowing as he tries to recall what had happened. He's so thirsty....

"Herbert?" His tone is frail, but lucid, finally. "Engel, what...what happened?"

[loveinsideme]

"You were like some -- wild animal. You weren't yourself at all. Father said he could barely find you, in your own mind. Like you were -- gone.

He said he'd seen it before. When someone hasn't been feeding regularly." There's a pointed look at Alfred there, as he pours some of the blood into the soup bowl. "Have you not been eating, Alfred? You haven't been quite yourself for a few days now, but I -- I'd never seen you like this."

[heyhohey]

As Herbert explains, it starts to come back to Alfred, in bits and flashes - and terror and guilt take turns dominating his expression. The last thing he can clearly recall is getting up, heading to his room, and then...pain, and falling.

After that, it's all a blur.

The scent of blood being poured makes him acutely aware of his fangs being out - instinct makes him yank at the restraints, a reflex, a flicker of what had been, but he keeps himself this time. He cringes at the feeling, whimpering a little.

He also withers a little under Herbert's glance.

"...I... haven't," he admits. "A-at least, not...enough. I'm... I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to...to go this far."

[loveinsideme]

"Oh, Alfred, my love." Herbert sighs and sets the bowl aside for the time being, tucking himself up against his love's side and wrapping his arms around Alfred's waist. "Didn't mean for what to go this far? Were you not eating on purpose? Why would you hurt yourself like that?"

[heyhohey]

The embrace is at once reassuring and makes Alfred feel terribly guilty - he can't hug Herbert back for now, so he leans in as best he can, eyes welling up. How does he explain this?

"Well, it was - I was...doing some...experiments, on myself." There is no way to put this that doesn't sound bad, and he knows it. He glances over to his desk, the roll top on it pulled down to hide his efforts.

"I just...I had this terrible nightmare, and it got me to wondering if maybe I was... different, because of how I was turned. So I wanted to test some things, and...and I...."

He sniffles.

[loveinsideme]

"Experiments?" He pulls back to stare at Alfred in confusion. "What sort of experiments? Isn't that horribly dangerous? Well clearly it was, since you -- you changed like that.

What sort of nightmare did you have, my love?" He'll have to start watching over Alfred's dreams more closely, clearly.

[heyhohey]

"Just...testing things, seeing where my...my lines are. How much blood I really need, or...h-how I react to things that are...supposed to hurt us." He can't meet Herbert's gaze - he knows what he was doing had been downright stupid. But he thought he had it under control, he thought he could pull back before it was too late.

He had been wrong, clearly.

When questioned about the nightmare, he shakes his head. "It's...I've had it a couple of times, now. It's always kind of a blur when I wake up, but there's...there's so much blood, and everything is dark, and - and I can hear you screaming." He shudders. "I...I started to worry my mind was...trying to warn me that something was wrong, that I would...lose control, or hurt you."

He feels another wave of hunger pass through him - again, he jolts against the restraints, and then immediately looks upset about it. "...All I did was almost make that happen."

[loveinsideme]

"I'm so sorry you had those nightmares." He looks -- distraught. At the idea of his Alfred being in pain. Of something fatal happening to him. And even worse, that he had been starving himself. Or doing other things that could hurt him.

But -- oh now he's forgetting his duties, and he helps Alfred sit up a little, offering up a spoonful of blood. "Well I'm here now. And I'm not leaving your side until I have successfully nursed you back to health."

[heyhohey]

"It isn't your fault, Engel. It's no one's fault." It stings Alfred, seeing Herbert look so upset...and because of something he had done. Shame is plain on his face, making his lip quiver, tears tumbling down his cheeks. "I shouldn't have let it go on for so long."

As he sits up, the ropes creak a little, and he is acutely aware of one of his other little experiments being on display, with his shirt off - a patch of skin on his right bicep that he had very carefully exposed to just a little reflected sunlight. A burn, improperly healed due to not feeding.

Guilt or no guilt, though, he takes the spoon of blood with a little groan of relief, fangs clattering against the spoon. It helps. "...Th-thank you, Engel. I'm...I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for scaring you."

[loveinsideme]

"And what is that?" he asks, gesturing at the burn with the spoon. "Please don't tell me you were playing with sunlight. Oh, Alfred, you must be so careful with things like that. You could really do some damage to yourself. Imagine how I would feel if I came to your room only to find a pile of -- of dust."

He wipes at his eyes, staining the lace of his sleeve with blood without noticing or caring. "Here, have some more of this," he sighs, offering Alfred another spoonful.

[heyhohey]

Guilt twists in Alfred's stomach - he doesn't answer that, because...well, he absolutely did exactly what Herbert just said he didn't want to hear.

"I was - I mean, I tried to be very careful, but...it...oh."

He shudders a little bit at the image of what Herbert mentioned, taking the spoon of blood obediently, eyes flicking periodically to watch his lover. Oh, how he wishes he could wipe those tears...but he can't, not with his hands tied.

"I - I should have told you. I know I should have. I was just...I knew you wouldn't like it, and your Father-"

A flash of memory hits him at once, and his eyes widen. "I - did I - did I attack your Father?"

[loveinsideme]

"No, no I would have hated it. I would have forbidden it, absolutely. Completely. I'd have tied you down like you are now to keep you from doing it."

He sighs and sets the bowl down, running a cool hand over Alfred's forehead, stroking his cheek. "No, you didn't attack him. He pinned you down before you were able to do anything. Don't worry about Father, he can handle himself."

[heyhohey]

There isn't anything Alfred can say to that - all he can do is whimper, looking very guilty indeed and looking down. Shame. Of course, of course he knows better. 'How could I have been so damned stupid?'

The touch feels nice, soothing, and in spite of feel as though he really doesn't deserve it, he leans into it, sighing a little.

"G-good. I...I don't know what I would do if I had hurt either of you. I can't remember much, only...being...thirsty, angry, and - and...."

Oh.

Oh god.

Oh no.

He doesn't go on, but he does go very red all of a sudden, looking equal parts mortified and witheringly guilty.

[loveinsideme]

"I'm not mad about that part, cheri. Neither of us are. You were out of your head, you didn't know who or what you were. Father thought it was best to just let you wear yourself out so he could get you into bed more easily."

He pushes Alfred's hair back off his face and leans down to kiss his cheek. "You should have some more blood. I'm not leaving your side until you're fully back in good health, I hope you know." Which brings up uncomfortable memories he has to push down and away. He can be sad about Solin later. Right now, he needs to care for the wonderful boy in front of him.

[heyhohey]

"I...a-all right. I'll...I'll have to apologize to him later, too."

Alfred sniffles, at least a little relieved about at least that one thing. He still feels shaky, weak...a little bit off, in a way that he can't quite quantify. He can feel a pang of sadness from Herbert, one he's felt before...and this time, something in him pangs back.

He doesn't know why. "...I...I will. And I know you won't, I know." He leans against the ropes to kiss his lover back, soft and gentle against the tracks where Herbert's tears had been.

"D-do you think...you could untie me now, my dear?"

[loveinsideme]

"My dear..." Alfred never uses endearments like that. Not like Solin did. The mark on the back of his calf, the way he just called him my dear like Solin used to, and it tugs at Herbert's heart in a painful way.

He sighs and blinks hard, trying to ignore the comparison between his past lover and his current one. It's not fair to Alfred. "I don't know if I'm allowed to untie you, yet. But I can loosen the ropes a little if they're hurting you at all."

[heyhohey]

The expression that crosses the younger man's face is quizzical - he hadn't realized he said anything out of the way, and...there's something about the way Herbert's expression falters that -

What did he do?

"If...if you could loosen them a little, I would...I would like that. I just want to be able to touch you, Engel." A pause.

"Are...are you all right?"

[loveinsideme]

"Engel, that's more like it." He sighs and smiles, though it feels forced and awkward as he reaches up to loosen the rope a little, to give Alfred more leeway to move his arms.

He can feel tears prickling at the corner of his eyes and he wipes them away quickly. "Fine, just fine, mon cheri. Just worried, that's all." Herbert pecks Alfred on the lips before he takes up the bowl again and offers Alfred another spoonful. "But I'll have you back to full health in no time."

[heyhohey]

The forced nature of the smile, the way Herbert is acting...it isn't lost on Alfred. He wants to ask, wants to press, wonders why he feels so...so sad.

But does he deserve to question, after putting Herbert in this position?

"...Okay," he murmurs, though he sounds unconvinced, something weighing at the back of his mind. Obediently, he swallows another spoon of blood, then... gently, tentatively, he reaches out to rest his hand on his lover's shoulder.

"I'm okay," he offers. "Engel, I promise. Never again. No more secrets."

[loveinsideme]

"No more experiments," Hebert fusses. "And if you must, then let us be there with you in case something happens. All right?"

There's blood speckling Alfred's lips and he looks so tired, so pale. Herbert's chest clenches and he reaches up to pat Alfred's hand where it sits on his shoulder. "You're not okay yet, but you will be. I'll make sure of it."

[heyhohey]

"I promise. I...I did learn some things. Important things. But...but we can talk about it later."

Alfred does not hide his feelings well. He never has - and so his concern for the way Herbert looks is plain on his face, gentle and kind and loving. He looks to where their hands are resting together, then back up to meet his eyes.

"But...I want you to be okay, too, Herbert."

[loveinsideme]

"I'm fine." But his face crumbles even as he says it, tears rolling slowly down his cheeks. "Oh Alfred, I -- "

He clears his throat and stares down into the bowl rather than try to look at Alfred. "I lost someone. Very dear to me. It was a long time ago, but the wounds feel very fresh. Some day I'll be able to talk about it, but for now it's too close. Too real.

Do you see, now? Why I couldn't bear the thought of losing you, too?"

[heyhohey]

Watching Herbert's mask fall away, Alfred's eyes widen - he listens, carefully, as he speaks...and as he does, a chill runs down his spine, for reasons he can't understand. His heart aches for his lover, sympathetic tears springing to his own eyes as he FEELS the sorrow, the heartbreak.

(His lungs, useless now, burn. Why?)

"Engel...I...." Reaching out with his free hand, he carefully rests his long fingers along Herbert's jaw, using his thumb to wipe away a tear as it falls.

"I'm so sorry, Herbert. I do. I do see." His own tears fall freely now - he can't seem to stop them, or stop the faint tremble that's shaking his body. Why? What is that, slinking around the edges of his memory?

Sniffling, he guides Herbert gently to look at him again.

"You have me. I'm not going anywhere. You...you need me. And I need you. This was - this was stupid of me...but no more. I swear it."

[loveinsideme]

Herbert presses his cheek against Alfred's palm, letting himself be comforted. It feels a little selfish, but he needs it, right now.

"I do. I do need you. And I will, always. I'm going to take care of you, Alfred. Until you're well again, I'll take care of you."

He could ask his father to do it. He could avoid forcing himself to face such dark memories. But he needs to be brave. For Alfred, he can be brave.