It's just as easy as he thought. He can feel it, feel the way his power is settling heavy over her, and it feels...good. She leans into him, looking up with those wide eyes, and he smiles faintly, letting his voice ring out, echo, crash back down around them like a lulling wave.
"Spür das Glück der Traurigkeit, Fühl die Wohllust doch aufzugeben...."
None of this has to happen. He can make it go away. He can make her stay, and everything can go back to what it was just last night. She's warm, there in front of him, her heart beat slowing as she slips under the trance.
Just like he did.
"Such mit mir den schwarzen Gral...L-lern von mir, was es heißt zu...zu lieben-"
The look of terror that blooms on her is like a knife in his chest. It's familiar, and he places why mid line, a look of pure horror crossing his own young face.
He realizes where they're standing.
And he remembers how scared he was, under that fuzzy, floating feeling, when Count von Krolock mesmerized him with that haunting melody, too, right here.
He stops, a sob killing his voice, fresh tears tracking red lines down his porcelain cheeks. This is wrong. How could he? How could he do this to her? The hand between them drops from the air to land gently on her shoulder, shaking her just a little to help her come to.
"I'm so sorry," he chokes. A moment of lucidity, of pain. "Seras, I'm not - myself. I feel so strange, I - I can't-"
The hand drifts to her hair, smoothing it down. She doesn't want to go, he knows that, really. But he can feel himself slipping, finally tumbling down the precipice he started to find himself on just after that carnival. And now he's proven to himself that... he's dangerous to her. Not because she can't take him, because...she can.
But because she won't back down. Because she won't stop fighting for him, even if her neck is on the line.
Alfred can't in good conscience let her. This is the line he's crossed. And now there is no going back over it, even if he can feel his dead heart falling to pieces.
"Please...he - he really must need you. He must be so lost. I will be fine. And I'm - not mad, not really, I'm just - I'm -
It takes her a moment to find her mind again through the fog, only truly registering that it's Alfred speaking to her again instead of the monster that has taken over him once she's been shaken a few times. Did he-- did he just try to hypnotize her? On purpose? The thought makes her stomach turn.
"Why-- Why would you--" she whimpers softly, barely audible, tears welling in her eyes. "Y-you're not like them--" she never thought he would ever try to cross that line, that he would ever try to take something from her like so many others had. Countless times before others had tried for her mind, her body, her spirit ... This time, her free will?
Especially when she was already willing to stay?
He's there right now, but how long will this part of him stay? Surely this isn't the person he is now... She'd heard monsters were capable of changing what they were, but... how long would it be like this? Would he turn into one of those creatures too? Like the one who attacked her that night at the carnival? Certainly, he couldn't have been as horrible as the woman who hypnotized her and forced out her memories-- But could she be certain that wouldn't happen to him, beyond his intention or control? Would it only get worse from here?
--not -myself. I feel so strange-- That has to be true, Alfred-- Alfred would never do something like this to hurt her, would he?
She feels him run a hand through her hair, but she can't stop herself from flinching away from his touch, like she's expecting something... worse to happen to her. Even hearing him here now in this moment of lucidity, a part of her waits for the other shoe to drop, for this situation to escalate once again. She keeps her head lowered, shoulders up, as if bracing for impact.
"Is that what you want me to do?" She's getting mixed signals, after all. Wanting her to stay bad enough to hypnotize her, but refusing to let her explain and sending her away to her Master? She can't keep up. Finally, the tears spill over as she speaks, streaking hot down her cheeks. She's managed to make it this far with a brave face, without allowing herself to break, but she feels she somehow knows and absolutely dreads the answer to this question.
"I will go, if that's what you want. But please, understand. I was never trying to leave."
The way she looks at him, so full of distrust, disappointment - it visibly breaks Alfred, a faint whimper sounding in the back of his throat. Her flinch away from his hand makes him flinch in turn, drawing the fingers back and hovering them in midair as though she has burned him.
Maybe she has, in a way.
You're not like them, she had said. But Alfred doesn't know who 'them' is. He doesn't know the whole of what happened to her at the Carnival, spared the ugliest details for his sanity. He doesn't know what she's been through before that, either, blind to the terrors that spring to her mind.
No, the only person he can think of is the Count.
And standing here, he feels he is becoming just like him.
"What I want," he finally manages, his voice breaking and soft as he folds in upon himself, "is for you to be safe, Seras. And right now, that's...not here. That's not with me."
He takes a little step back, wrapping his arms around himself like a bat might do with their wings. There is fondness, there, in his eyes. There is still warmth, but there is grief there, too. Mourning another thing he's screwed up, because he's always better in theory than in practice.
He desperately wants to wipe away those tears. But he can't. He can't be trusted.
"I know you weren't. I know. But I've - hurt you enough. You - you should - you...should...I can...I can still...."
Distance starts to cloud his eyes again, his whole body trembling as his gaze wanders, goes fuzzy.
"I'm-- I'm not afraid of you! I--I'm not afraid of what you'll do to me--"
It's only partially a lie, because she would be devastated if he took the same path as those others, if he took advantage of her the way they had, but--
"--I'm afraid of what you'll do to yourself."
Seras knows well what self-loathing can do to a person, what the endless cycle of acceptance and connection and failure and loss and blame leads to and what kind of damage it causes. Hell, she's experiencing it right now alongside him, like those other terrible things they'd found out they had in common not all that long ago. It's so much more devastating to witness from the outside, to see it reflected in someone she cared so much for, with no way to really help. The most devastating part of it all was knowing being there was all she could offer him in the first place, and now... she was taking that away from him, too.
Everything was being taken from both of them, through no fault of their own and circumstance alone. Fate rarely played in Seras' favor, time had run out, and luck had never been on her side... another unfortunate reality to share with Alfred.
Again, she attempts to follow his line of sight, but this time finds that it leads to nothing. He's getting lost again. Whatever it is that is doing this to him is coming back--
"Alfred-- there's nothing there, it's just-- it's just us." she reaches for him once more, settling her paws over his hands, trying to catch his wandering gaze with her own, to try to ground him before he floats away again. "Who? Who do you hear?"
It's easier to let it happen, isn't it? There's peace there, there's so much less fear and suffering if he just drifts into that song. If he sinks, like the Count said. That is what it feels like, like sinking into something dark and velvet-soft -
At Seras's touch, Alfred comes back to himself for a split second, long enough to give her a haunting, terrified, desperate look; a man with three fingers left on the edge of a cliff, realizing he can't hold on one moment longer.
"I can't - Seras, I don't want to- I can't, I c-can...can....."
And just like that, he loses his grip, expression going vacant, hollow, unfocused as he slumps down like a ragdoll to his knees, all fight gone out of him.
"...Can hear...the Count. He's still singing to me. It's...it's beautiful, isn't it…?"
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timeasmymeasure
Cw: mind control/hypnosis
Date: 2022-06-11 05:40 pm (UTC)"Spür das Glück der Traurigkeit, Fühl die Wohllust doch aufzugeben...."
None of this has to happen. He can make it go away. He can make her stay, and everything can go back to what it was just last night. She's warm, there in front of him, her heart beat slowing as she slips under the trance.
Just like he did.
"Such mit mir den schwarzen Gral...L-lern von mir, was es heißt zu...zu lieben-"
The look of terror that blooms on her is like a knife in his chest. It's familiar, and he places why mid line, a look of pure horror crossing his own young face.
He realizes where they're standing.
And he remembers how scared he was, under that fuzzy, floating feeling, when Count von Krolock mesmerized him with that haunting melody, too, right here.
He stops, a sob killing his voice, fresh tears tracking red lines down his porcelain cheeks. This is wrong. How could he? How could he do this to her? The hand between them drops from the air to land gently on her shoulder, shaking her just a little to help her come to.
"I'm so sorry," he chokes. A moment of lucidity, of pain. "Seras, I'm not - myself. I feel so strange, I - I can't-"
The hand drifts to her hair, smoothing it down. She doesn't want to go, he knows that, really. But he can feel himself slipping, finally tumbling down the precipice he started to find himself on just after that carnival. And now he's proven to himself that... he's dangerous to her. Not because she can't take him, because...she can.
But because she won't back down. Because she won't stop fighting for him, even if her neck is on the line.
Alfred can't in good conscience let her. This is the line he's crossed. And now there is no going back over it, even if he can feel his dead heart falling to pieces.
"Please...he - he really must need you. He must be so lost. I will be fine. And I'm - not mad, not really, I'm just - I'm -
Please.
Go to him."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-12 06:11 am (UTC)"Why-- Why would you--" she whimpers softly, barely audible, tears welling in her eyes. "Y-you're not like them--" she never thought he would ever try to cross that line, that he would ever try to take something from her like so many others had. Countless times before others had tried for her mind, her body, her spirit ... This time, her free will?
Especially when she was already willing to stay?
He's there right now, but how long will this part of him stay? Surely this isn't the person he is now... She'd heard monsters were capable of changing what they were, but... how long would it be like this? Would he turn into one of those creatures too? Like the one who attacked her that night at the carnival? Certainly, he couldn't have been as horrible as the woman who hypnotized her and forced out her memories-- But could she be certain that wouldn't happen to him, beyond his intention or control? Would it only get worse from here?
--not -myself. I feel so strange-- That has to be true, Alfred-- Alfred would never do something like this to hurt her, would he?
She feels him run a hand through her hair, but she can't stop herself from flinching away from his touch, like she's expecting something... worse to happen to her. Even hearing him here now in this moment of lucidity, a part of her waits for the other shoe to drop, for this situation to escalate once again. She keeps her head lowered, shoulders up, as if bracing for impact.
"Is that what you want me to do?" She's getting mixed signals, after all. Wanting her to stay bad enough to hypnotize her, but refusing to let her explain and sending her away to her Master? She can't keep up. Finally, the tears spill over as she speaks, streaking hot down her cheeks. She's managed to make it this far with a brave face, without allowing herself to break, but she feels she somehow knows and absolutely dreads the answer to this question.
"I will go, if that's what you want. But please, understand. I was never trying to leave."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-12 08:53 am (UTC)The way she looks at him, so full of distrust, disappointment - it visibly breaks Alfred, a faint whimper sounding in the back of his throat. Her flinch away from his hand makes him flinch in turn, drawing the fingers back and hovering them in midair as though she has burned him.
Maybe she has, in a way.
You're not like them, she had said. But Alfred doesn't know who 'them' is. He doesn't know the whole of what happened to her at the Carnival, spared the ugliest details for his sanity. He doesn't know what she's been through before that, either, blind to the terrors that spring to her mind.
No, the only person he can think of is the Count.
And standing here, he feels he is becoming just like him.
"What I want," he finally manages, his voice breaking and soft as he folds in upon himself, "is for you to be safe, Seras. And right now, that's...not here. That's not with me."
He takes a little step back, wrapping his arms around himself like a bat might do with their wings. There is fondness, there, in his eyes. There is still warmth, but there is grief there, too. Mourning another thing he's screwed up, because he's always better in theory than in practice.
He desperately wants to wipe away those tears. But he can't. He can't be trusted.
"I know you weren't. I know. But I've - hurt you enough. You - you should - you...should...I can...I can still...."
Distance starts to cloud his eyes again, his whole body trembling as his gaze wanders, goes fuzzy.
"...I can...still hear him...."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-13 02:07 am (UTC)It's only partially a lie, because she would be devastated if he took the same path as those others, if he took advantage of her the way they had, but--
"--I'm afraid of what you'll do to yourself."
Seras knows well what self-loathing can do to a person, what the endless cycle of acceptance and connection and failure and loss and blame leads to and what kind of damage it causes. Hell, she's experiencing it right now alongside him, like those other terrible things they'd found out they had in common not all that long ago. It's so much more devastating to witness from the outside, to see it reflected in someone she cared so much for, with no way to really help. The most devastating part of it all was knowing being there was all she could offer him in the first place, and now... she was taking that away from him, too.
Everything was being taken from both of them, through no fault of their own and circumstance alone. Fate rarely played in Seras' favor, time had run out, and luck had never been on her side... another unfortunate reality to share with Alfred.
Again, she attempts to follow his line of sight, but this time finds that it leads to nothing. He's getting lost again. Whatever it is that is doing this to him is coming back--
"Alfred-- there's nothing there, it's just-- it's just us." she reaches for him once more, settling her paws over his hands, trying to catch his wandering gaze with her own, to try to ground him before he floats away again. "Who? Who do you hear?"
no subject
Date: 2022-06-14 12:32 am (UTC)At Seras's touch, Alfred comes back to himself for a split second, long enough to give her a haunting, terrified, desperate look; a man with three fingers left on the edge of a cliff, realizing he can't hold on one moment longer.
"I can't - Seras, I don't want to- I can't, I c-can...can....."
And just like that, he loses his grip, expression going vacant, hollow, unfocused as he slumps down like a ragdoll to his knees, all fight gone out of him.
"...Can hear...the Count. He's still singing to me. It's...it's beautiful, isn't it…?"
His words dissolve into mumbles.
Alfred is broken.