It is very, very infrequently that Alfred shouts - so the way the sudden hiss echoes off the walls of the ballroom is alarming even to him. His gaze darts around, upward, wild as if searching for someone else - and in a sudden whirl, he dissolves into a cloud of mist.
The cloud hisses, twists - and reforms a couple of feet behind where Seras had been standing.
"Do you mean - was that your...your..."
He can't. He's barely holding it together, worlds away from his normal, sweet self.
He looks more splintered than the chair on the ground, his movements lithe, sharp as he starts to pace.
Seras yelps, tripping over her own feet as she stumbles backwards, hitting the ground with a grunt and a groan, tugging her ears down and gripping them tight against her head to brace for another boom. It has to be the high ceiling or something, she didn't think he could get that loud. Her heart threatens to jump ship, nevertheless, pounding relentlessly at the back of her throat. She doesn't even have time to process this all before he's disappeared and repositioned himself behind her with the mist, leaving her scrambling around to face him from her place on the stone floor. She doesn't want to say she's afraid of him, but something deep inside her prey brain tells her not to turn her back on him.
"A-Alfred, please, listen to me-- He-he's just-- We haven't-- I haven't been--" Seras speaks hurriedly, unable to find any quick, solid answers that could fix anything. Everything about her situation needed to be explained from the beginning or else it wouldn't make sense, but she knows she's well past out of time for that.
"I'm sorry, please-- please let me explain--!!" she begs again, more desperate than before. Releasing her ears when the boom doesn't come, Seras finally pushes herself up from the ground, reaching out for the pillar beside her to help her to her feet.
Alfred is too far gone to hear the reason - his thoughts going a mile a minute as he rounds in circles around Seras, periodally disappearing and reappearing in a puff of mist.
It's happening again. That's all he can think about. Starting to get on with her, maybe even - maybe -
But then along comes this old friend, this 'Master,' this-
"Is he your Sire, then?" He stops, turns on his heel, starts pacing the other way. Dizzying, disorienting, slowly pushing her back towards the entryway to the ballroom.
"And you need to go to him, is that right? Are you still under thrall to him? Do the theories still hold, because - I - I took all those notes, I remember it all very, very well-"
One of his phases puts him in front of a huge mirror along one wall, and he stops, blinks at it. At her reflection in it. In the fact that he isn't there.
And, unsettlingly, he laughs at it. At the irony of it. A hollow, harsh little giggle, because - he remembers this mirror.
And when he was reflected in it, someone ELSE was right where he is standing right now.
This can't be happening. This cannot be happening.
The shaking isn't just her prey brain in control, anymore. dread is sinking in, all her worries, every terrifying thought she'd had about telling him about her life coming true in an instant. This was why she didn't want to tell him, this is exactly what she was afraid of. Even before he'd changed, when he was still delicate, raw from his experiences, she didn't know how to tell him what she'd come from. She couldn't tell him who had sired her, or who she was and what that made her because of it... How could she tell a vampire hunter she was Dracula's Chosen? Especially one who was so close to the time of That Namesake...
It wasn't a lie if she never told it, she thought, and yet it still hurt him all the same. Hell, it didn't just hurt him. It's ruined him. On top of everything else he's been through, and now this... Something else in his life utterly destroyed by another goddamned vampire. It will be a miracle if he ever wants to hear another word from her ever again.
Still, she has to try. At least, she wants to, but he's speaking a mile a minute and she can't keep up. She wants to answer his questions honestly, but he's already moved on to the next thing before she can even make a sound. She's tugging on her ears again, sinking back on her haunches and curling into herself, overwhelmed by the sound of his voice, the stilted, erratic way he's speaking. It's her worst nightmare.
Seras remains huddled into herself even as he quiets, only opening her eyes when that chilling sound rings out into the open room. What on earth is he laughing at?
"A-alfred...?"
She follows his gaze to the mirror, only seeing herself reflected there. It still alarms her to see her own reflection every now and then. The pooka thing made her wary of mirrors as well, unhappy with the weakness of this form compared to what she used to be. Another reason for no one to take her seriously; she knows she looks like some pervert built a stuffed animal.
Reflected here in the mirror now, she looks small and scared and alone.
Alfred is supposed to be reflected in front of her. She can see him with her own eyes, she could touch him with her hands, but it's just as the mirror says.
He's months ago, watching a girl turn away from him to flirt with danger. He's scared and functionally alone in the castle.He's staring down Count von Krolock, going at him uselessly with a candlestick. He's too late to save Sarah.
Too late.
Always too late, too weak, too stupid, not strong enough. Alfred the doormat, Alfred who is NICE and will do ANYTHING asked of him, Alfred who never asks for anything for himself as long as everyone else is happy.
On the inside, he's in a hurricane, a song in his ears drowning out all reason. He's here again. It's all repeating. He can't stop it. It's his fate. The Fog must have known.
On the outside, he's somewhere between laughing and crying, biting his lip hard enough that thick, dead, black blood oozes from it. He can't breathe. He doesn't have to but he feels stifled. He doesn't know what's wrong with him, can't recognize the panic attack for what it is as it tears through him.
"I can't - I c-can't-" he looks to the mirror again. He sees Seras, and she's afraid of him. He's ruining everything again but he can't STOP. A step back makes him trip on a wooden chair leg, jagged at the edge. It skids across the ground to where she is trembling.
Alfred looks at it.
And then he looks up at her, bright crimson eyes glassy and wide before his body turns once more to mist, whirling around her.
Not long after they met, he needed someone-- anyone --to care about him, not just to hear him but to listen to what he'd been through, to hear how he felt, to hold him when he desperately needed to be held, and she was there. Every time he would reach out for comfort, she gave it to him, no questions asked. She calmed him from his nightmares, lulled him when he couldn't sleep. Seras promised she wouldn't give up on him, that she would always be there when he needed her.
In some strange way, this entire ordeal was cathartic for her, as if she was comforting the person she was all those years ago, the girl that needed someone to tell her it was okay to cry, it was okay to be angry, it was okay to hurt... That if today was too hard, they could try again tomorrow.
Would he give her tomorrow? Could he, even if he wanted to?
It doesn't matter. Seras can't abandon him now at his angriest, his most broken, at his worst and still call herself a good friend. What kind of friend would she be if she broke her promise like that? How could she say she loved him if she ran away from him, now?
There's no reason to be afraid, she has to trust that he's not actually going to hurt her. Even if he did, he... he couldn't mean it. Further still, Seras believes herself to deserve that punishment and would take it on the chin either way. She doesn't even mind letting him take it out on her... there's not a doubt in her mind that she's been through worse than anything he would do.
Even as the veritable whirlwind that is Alfred swirls about her, Seras steels herself against his blustering presence and pushes herself to her feet, reaching trembling hands out into the mist for him. It may not work, but she wants to try. She has to try.
"Alfred, please... i-it will be alright, I promise. I'm not going anywhere."
The paws reaching into the whirl of mist at first find nothing within - he can't pull himself together, he's confused, he's spiraling -
But then, suddenly, she catches something solid and cold...and in a moment, he is there again, staring at her warm hands wrapped around his upper arm. Alfred stills for a moment, looking, for just a moment, as though he might be trying to fight his way back out of this panic. A whimper escapes him, Seras's words cutting through the haze.
It will be alright.
I'm not going anywhere.
He wants to believe her, and at another time, in a better condition, perhaps he would. He would know that he's flying off the handle, that this isn't him, that he's being completely unreasonable, unfair, even cruel -
But right now, he can't stop himself as he grips her arms back just a little too tight, digging claws in, leaning in with a snarl on his lips, bearing his fangs.
"But your Master will need you."
The words are spat, hissed, cold and cruel - and it's no sooner that they're out of his mouth before he gasps a little, letting go of her arms and springing back. He... really is out of control, isn't he?
"N-No, I - I didn't mean to - I don't want to- es tut mir leid....es tut mir leid-"
Panicked, he dissolves once more, spilling out into the hall, blinking and fading his way out into the entryway. He stops there, hugging himself around the shoulders, eyes wide and darting in the dark. He cries out, wordlessly, hands twining in his hair.
What is happening to him?
Why can't he hear himself think above that DAMN SONG?
She can see Alfred, trapped inside of himself, desperately trying to claw his way out. She squeezes his arms and starts to pull him closer, only for his hands to wrap tight about her wrists, the sharp points of his claws penetrating her flesh and tearing a startled cry from her throat. It stings, but she can barely focus on that pain over the ache in her chest as his bitter words cut through her very soul.
But your Master will need you.
She will never unhear that seething, nigh mocking tone. Worse still, she will never unsee this look in his eyes, this begrudging, hateful gaze as he spits those bitter words in her face. Even as he recovers himself for a moment, even as he apologizes and disappears once more, she's left with the stinging in her wrists and in her heart as she gasps for air, staring forward into the dark, empty ballroom.
There's nothing she can do to change this. Her Master does need her. They both do. If she could split herself in two to take care of them both, she would in an instant. But that's not their reality. There is only one of her and even if she wanted to make a choice-- which she absolutely does not --it looks like the choice is being made for her either way. It was always going to be this way.
Even without the blood bond between them, she would choose Alucard for reasons she still believed in, to this day. He chose her, after all. He was like family to her. Hell, he's the only family she has. But she wouldn't get to explain that to Alfred, he didn't want to hear it.
It takes her several agonizing moments to come back to herself, to stop playing those words on repeat in her mind long enough to find her bearings and try to leave. Her body carries on without her as she struggles, stumbling through the dark room towards the hall and reaching out for the wall for support. Her eyes are downcast, vision hazy, able to see just enough to keep from tripping over the debris strewn across the stone floor. She can't stay here. He wants her gone. Her Master will need her.
Alfred stands at the entryway, blocking her escape. He appears to still be battling with himself, some part of him still fighting to find his way out... but she doesn't feel strong enough to help, anymore. She's worried that seeing her will set him off again, but she doesn't know how else she can leave.
Shit.
What could one more attempt hurt? They've already come this far.
Seras does not announce herself when she reaches out for him this time, she doesn't call his name. One paw reaches out for his arm to pull herself to him, against his back, the other arm wrapping around him to place a paw on his chest, embracing him as gently as she can manage from behind. She buries her face between his shoulders, muffling a soft sob into the silk of his blouse, curling her digits in it as she tightens her embrace.
By the time Seras is pressing herself to his back, Alfred is trembling, half there and half gone, cringing at the scent of her blood as it seeps into his shirt. It smells good, he wants it and that scares him, too. He doesn't want her to leave, but he's self-aware enough to know that it isn't safe, that HE isn't safe.
His heart is still, but it aches all the same. This is Seras, after all. Sweet, funny Seras who shares her bed with him so he doesn't have to be alone in the castle. Who has flour fights with him in the kitchen that end in them both patched with white and giggling. Who has been so patient with him, so gentle, so kind and grateful.
And now here they are, with another vampire tumbling into the picture to snatch her away. Not only that, but he can't be sure if the vampire standing in the way is this Master, or if it's...himself.
He sobs, head lolling forward, blood running down his cheeks.
It's so loud here, in this room. The Song is so loud, louder than ever, more...seductive. He freezes, realization dawning on him as he gently rests his hand over hers.
...He could use it. He did by mistake only the night before. He could use it, if he just...tries....
When he turns, looking down, his eyes finally focus on her, a strange, intense expression dawning slowly on his face.
He could keep her, if he wanted.
It would be so easy.
For a moment, he is silent...and then he raises one hand between them, fingers splaying and drifting gracefully through the air as he begins to sing, letting the tune that's been ringing in his head flow through him.
"Sink mit mir ins Meer der Zeit...Ich lehr dich was es heißt zu leben...."
He didn't pull away, this time. He didn't disappear.
Maybe this is a step in the right direction... maybe this is what he needed. She squeezes him tighter when his body is wracked with a sob, nuzzling into him.
"E-everything will be okay, I promise. I swear." And it would be, no matter what it took. Seras didn't make a habit of making promises she didn't intend to keep, but unbeknownst to her, pookas were just as bound to any oath they made. Everything was going to be okay for him, no matter what she had to do to make it so.
Loosening her grip when he turns to face her, she smiles softly up at him, saddened but surprisingly unbothered by the blood cutting dark lines across his pale cheeks. She thinks to raise a paw to wipe them away, but he has lifted his own hand before her, leaving her more than a tad confused. Seras blinks curiously as she watches his hand, lips parting to question him before he's begun... singing?
It's that song she catches him humming every now and then, isn't it? Why--
But it's so lovely, isn't it? She's never heard the words before; he's never actually sung this one for her, before. His voice is just beautiful, clear as a bell, enchanting as always.
That warm, sweet feeling is taking her over, relaxing her. She feels... safe. He's embracing her with his song, clouding her mind with his voice once again. It didn't need to be more than that, did it? How could she worry at a time like this? Seras begins to lean into him again, eyes brighter than before, eager, and yet somehow... empty.
Why would she need to question him? He's singing again... Everything is fine. She... can stay with him, can't she? Maybe, her Master would be fine without--
Her shoulders tense, terror flashing bright in her ruby red eyes. She can't pull away, her body won't let her. No-- she can't think that way. What is happening to her? What is Alfred doing--
Seras promised everything would be okay... would this be what it took?
It's just as easy as he thought. He can feel it, feel the way his power is settling heavy over her, and it feels...good. She leans into him, looking up with those wide eyes, and he smiles faintly, letting his voice ring out, echo, crash back down around them like a lulling wave.
"Spür das Glück der Traurigkeit, Fühl die Wohllust doch aufzugeben...."
None of this has to happen. He can make it go away. He can make her stay, and everything can go back to what it was just last night. She's warm, there in front of him, her heart beat slowing as she slips under the trance.
Just like he did.
"Such mit mir den schwarzen Gral...L-lern von mir, was es heißt zu...zu lieben-"
The look of terror that blooms on her is like a knife in his chest. It's familiar, and he places why mid line, a look of pure horror crossing his own young face.
He realizes where they're standing.
And he remembers how scared he was, under that fuzzy, floating feeling, when Count von Krolock mesmerized him with that haunting melody, too, right here.
He stops, a sob killing his voice, fresh tears tracking red lines down his porcelain cheeks. This is wrong. How could he? How could he do this to her? The hand between them drops from the air to land gently on her shoulder, shaking her just a little to help her come to.
"I'm so sorry," he chokes. A moment of lucidity, of pain. "Seras, I'm not - myself. I feel so strange, I - I can't-"
The hand drifts to her hair, smoothing it down. She doesn't want to go, he knows that, really. But he can feel himself slipping, finally tumbling down the precipice he started to find himself on just after that carnival. And now he's proven to himself that... he's dangerous to her. Not because she can't take him, because...she can.
But because she won't back down. Because she won't stop fighting for him, even if her neck is on the line.
Alfred can't in good conscience let her. This is the line he's crossed. And now there is no going back over it, even if he can feel his dead heart falling to pieces.
"Please...he - he really must need you. He must be so lost. I will be fine. And I'm - not mad, not really, I'm just - I'm -
It takes her a moment to find her mind again through the fog, only truly registering that it's Alfred speaking to her again instead of the monster that has taken over him once she's been shaken a few times. Did he-- did he just try to hypnotize her? On purpose? The thought makes her stomach turn.
"Why-- Why would you--" she whimpers softly, barely audible, tears welling in her eyes. "Y-you're not like them--" she never thought he would ever try to cross that line, that he would ever try to take something from her like so many others had. Countless times before others had tried for her mind, her body, her spirit ... This time, her free will?
Especially when she was already willing to stay?
He's there right now, but how long will this part of him stay? Surely this isn't the person he is now... She'd heard monsters were capable of changing what they were, but... how long would it be like this? Would he turn into one of those creatures too? Like the one who attacked her that night at the carnival? Certainly, he couldn't have been as horrible as the woman who hypnotized her and forced out her memories-- But could she be certain that wouldn't happen to him, beyond his intention or control? Would it only get worse from here?
--not -myself. I feel so strange-- That has to be true, Alfred-- Alfred would never do something like this to hurt her, would he?
She feels him run a hand through her hair, but she can't stop herself from flinching away from his touch, like she's expecting something... worse to happen to her. Even hearing him here now in this moment of lucidity, a part of her waits for the other shoe to drop, for this situation to escalate once again. She keeps her head lowered, shoulders up, as if bracing for impact.
"Is that what you want me to do?" She's getting mixed signals, after all. Wanting her to stay bad enough to hypnotize her, but refusing to let her explain and sending her away to her Master? She can't keep up. Finally, the tears spill over as she speaks, streaking hot down her cheeks. She's managed to make it this far with a brave face, without allowing herself to break, but she feels she somehow knows and absolutely dreads the answer to this question.
"I will go, if that's what you want. But please, understand. I was never trying to leave."
The way she looks at him, so full of distrust, disappointment - it visibly breaks Alfred, a faint whimper sounding in the back of his throat. Her flinch away from his hand makes him flinch in turn, drawing the fingers back and hovering them in midair as though she has burned him.
Maybe she has, in a way.
You're not like them, she had said. But Alfred doesn't know who 'them' is. He doesn't know the whole of what happened to her at the Carnival, spared the ugliest details for his sanity. He doesn't know what she's been through before that, either, blind to the terrors that spring to her mind.
No, the only person he can think of is the Count.
And standing here, he feels he is becoming just like him.
"What I want," he finally manages, his voice breaking and soft as he folds in upon himself, "is for you to be safe, Seras. And right now, that's...not here. That's not with me."
He takes a little step back, wrapping his arms around himself like a bat might do with their wings. There is fondness, there, in his eyes. There is still warmth, but there is grief there, too. Mourning another thing he's screwed up, because he's always better in theory than in practice.
He desperately wants to wipe away those tears. But he can't. He can't be trusted.
"I know you weren't. I know. But I've - hurt you enough. You - you should - you...should...I can...I can still...."
Distance starts to cloud his eyes again, his whole body trembling as his gaze wanders, goes fuzzy.
"I'm-- I'm not afraid of you! I--I'm not afraid of what you'll do to me--"
It's only partially a lie, because she would be devastated if he took the same path as those others, if he took advantage of her the way they had, but--
"--I'm afraid of what you'll do to yourself."
Seras knows well what self-loathing can do to a person, what the endless cycle of acceptance and connection and failure and loss and blame leads to and what kind of damage it causes. Hell, she's experiencing it right now alongside him, like those other terrible things they'd found out they had in common not all that long ago. It's so much more devastating to witness from the outside, to see it reflected in someone she cared so much for, with no way to really help. The most devastating part of it all was knowing being there was all she could offer him in the first place, and now... she was taking that away from him, too.
Everything was being taken from both of them, through no fault of their own and circumstance alone. Fate rarely played in Seras' favor, time had run out, and luck had never been on her side... another unfortunate reality to share with Alfred.
Again, she attempts to follow his line of sight, but this time finds that it leads to nothing. He's getting lost again. Whatever it is that is doing this to him is coming back--
"Alfred-- there's nothing there, it's just-- it's just us." she reaches for him once more, settling her paws over his hands, trying to catch his wandering gaze with her own, to try to ground him before he floats away again. "Who? Who do you hear?"
It's easier to let it happen, isn't it? There's peace there, there's so much less fear and suffering if he just drifts into that song. If he sinks, like the Count said. That is what it feels like, like sinking into something dark and velvet-soft -
At Seras's touch, Alfred comes back to himself for a split second, long enough to give her a haunting, terrified, desperate look; a man with three fingers left on the edge of a cliff, realizing he can't hold on one moment longer.
"I can't - Seras, I don't want to- I can't, I c-can...can....."
And just like that, he loses his grip, expression going vacant, hollow, unfocused as he slumps down like a ragdoll to his knees, all fight gone out of him.
"...Can hear...the Count. He's still singing to me. It's...it's beautiful, isn't it…?"
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-06-10 07:04 am (UTC)It is very, very infrequently that Alfred shouts - so the way the sudden hiss echoes off the walls of the ballroom is alarming even to him. His gaze darts around, upward, wild as if searching for someone else - and in a sudden whirl, he dissolves into a cloud of mist.
The cloud hisses, twists - and reforms a couple of feet behind where Seras had been standing.
"Do you mean - was that your...your..."
He can't. He's barely holding it together, worlds away from his normal, sweet self.
He looks more splintered than the chair on the ground, his movements lithe, sharp as he starts to pace.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-10 07:36 am (UTC)Seras yelps, tripping over her own feet as she stumbles backwards, hitting the ground with a grunt and a groan, tugging her ears down and gripping them tight against her head to brace for another boom. It has to be the high ceiling or something, she didn't think he could get that loud. Her heart threatens to jump ship, nevertheless, pounding relentlessly at the back of her throat. She doesn't even have time to process this all before he's disappeared and repositioned himself behind her with the mist, leaving her scrambling around to face him from her place on the stone floor. She doesn't want to say she's afraid of him, but something deep inside her prey brain tells her not to turn her back on him.
"A-Alfred, please, listen to me-- He-he's just-- We haven't-- I haven't been--" Seras speaks hurriedly, unable to find any quick, solid answers that could fix anything. Everything about her situation needed to be explained from the beginning or else it wouldn't make sense, but she knows she's well past out of time for that.
"I'm sorry, please-- please let me explain--!!" she begs again, more desperate than before. Releasing her ears when the boom doesn't come, Seras finally pushes herself up from the ground, reaching out for the pillar beside her to help her to her feet.
"Please."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-10 08:10 am (UTC)It's happening again. That's all he can think about. Starting to get on with her, maybe even - maybe -
But then along comes this old friend, this 'Master,' this-
"Is he your Sire, then?" He stops, turns on his heel, starts pacing the other way. Dizzying, disorienting, slowly pushing her back towards the entryway to the ballroom.
"And you need to go to him, is that right? Are you still under thrall to him? Do the theories still hold, because - I - I took all those notes, I remember it all very, very well-"
One of his phases puts him in front of a huge mirror along one wall, and he stops, blinks at it. At her reflection in it. In the fact that he isn't there.
And, unsettlingly, he laughs at it. At the irony of it. A hollow, harsh little giggle, because - he remembers this mirror.
And when he was reflected in it, someone ELSE was right where he is standing right now.
1/2
Date: 2022-06-10 08:48 pm (UTC)This can't be happening. This cannot be happening.
The shaking isn't just her prey brain in control, anymore. dread is sinking in, all her worries, every terrifying thought she'd had about telling him about her life coming true in an instant. This was why she didn't want to tell him, this is exactly what she was afraid of. Even before he'd changed, when he was still delicate, raw from his experiences, she didn't know how to tell him what she'd come from. She couldn't tell him who had sired her, or who she was and what that made her because of it... How could she tell a vampire hunter she was Dracula's Chosen? Especially one who was so close to the time of That Namesake...
It wasn't a lie if she never told it, she thought, and yet it still hurt him all the same. Hell, it didn't just hurt him. It's ruined him. On top of everything else he's been through, and now this... Something else in his life utterly destroyed by another goddamned vampire. It will be a miracle if he ever wants to hear another word from her ever again.
Still, she has to try. At least, she wants to, but he's speaking a mile a minute and she can't keep up. She wants to answer his questions honestly, but he's already moved on to the next thing before she can even make a sound. She's tugging on her ears again, sinking back on her haunches and curling into herself, overwhelmed by the sound of his voice, the stilted, erratic way he's speaking. It's her worst nightmare.
He's lost himself. She's lost him, too.
A nightmare come true.
2/2
Date: 2022-06-10 09:00 pm (UTC)"A-alfred...?"
She follows his gaze to the mirror, only seeing herself reflected there. It still alarms her to see her own reflection every now and then. The pooka thing made her wary of mirrors as well, unhappy with the weakness of this form compared to what she used to be. Another reason for no one to take her seriously; she knows she looks like some pervert built a stuffed animal.
Reflected here in the mirror now, she looks small and scared and alone.
Alfred is supposed to be reflected in front of her. She can see him with her own eyes, she could touch him with her hands, but it's just as the mirror says.
He's not there, anymore.
CW: dissociation, depersonalization, intrusive thoughts
Date: 2022-06-11 12:27 am (UTC)He's months ago, watching a girl turn away from him to flirt with danger. He's scared and functionally alone in the castle.He's staring down Count von Krolock, going at him uselessly with a candlestick. He's too late to save Sarah.
Too late.
Always too late, too weak, too stupid, not strong enough. Alfred the doormat, Alfred who is NICE and will do ANYTHING asked of him, Alfred who never asks for anything for himself as long as everyone else is happy.
On the inside, he's in a hurricane, a song in his ears drowning out all reason. He's here again. It's all repeating. He can't stop it. It's his fate. The Fog must have known.
On the outside, he's somewhere between laughing and crying, biting his lip hard enough that thick, dead, black blood oozes from it. He can't breathe. He doesn't have to but he feels stifled. He doesn't know what's wrong with him, can't recognize the panic attack for what it is as it tears through him.
"I can't - I c-can't-" he looks to the mirror again. He sees Seras, and she's afraid of him. He's ruining everything again but he can't STOP. A step back makes him trip on a wooden chair leg, jagged at the edge. It skids across the ground to where she is trembling.
Alfred looks at it.
And then he looks up at her, bright crimson eyes glassy and wide before his body turns once more to mist, whirling around her.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-11 02:45 am (UTC)Not long after they met, he needed someone-- anyone --to care about him, not just to hear him but to listen to what he'd been through, to hear how he felt, to hold him when he desperately needed to be held, and she was there. Every time he would reach out for comfort, she gave it to him, no questions asked. She calmed him from his nightmares, lulled him when he couldn't sleep. Seras promised she wouldn't give up on him, that she would always be there when he needed her.
In some strange way, this entire ordeal was cathartic for her, as if she was comforting the person she was all those years ago, the girl that needed someone to tell her it was okay to cry, it was okay to be angry, it was okay to hurt... That if today was too hard, they could try again tomorrow.
Would he give her tomorrow? Could he, even if he wanted to?
It doesn't matter. Seras can't abandon him now at his angriest, his most broken, at his worst and still call herself a good friend. What kind of friend would she be if she broke her promise like that? How could she say she loved him if she ran away from him, now?
There's no reason to be afraid, she has to trust that he's not actually going to hurt her. Even if he did, he... he couldn't mean it. Further still, Seras believes herself to deserve that punishment and would take it on the chin either way. She doesn't even mind letting him take it out on her... there's not a doubt in her mind that she's been through worse than anything he would do.
Even as the veritable whirlwind that is Alfred swirls about her, Seras steels herself against his blustering presence and pushes herself to her feet, reaching trembling hands out into the mist for him. It may not work, but she wants to try. She has to try.
"Alfred, please... i-it will be alright, I promise. I'm not going anywhere."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-11 05:08 am (UTC)But then, suddenly, she catches something solid and cold...and in a moment, he is there again, staring at her warm hands wrapped around his upper arm. Alfred stills for a moment, looking, for just a moment, as though he might be trying to fight his way back out of this panic. A whimper escapes him, Seras's words cutting through the haze.
It will be alright.
I'm not going anywhere.
He wants to believe her, and at another time, in a better condition, perhaps he would. He would know that he's flying off the handle, that this isn't him, that he's being completely unreasonable, unfair, even cruel -
But right now, he can't stop himself as he grips her arms back just a little too tight, digging claws in, leaning in with a snarl on his lips, bearing his fangs.
"But your Master will need you."
The words are spat, hissed, cold and cruel - and it's no sooner that they're out of his mouth before he gasps a little, letting go of her arms and springing back. He... really is out of control, isn't he?
"N-No, I - I didn't mean to - I don't want to- es tut mir leid....es tut mir leid-"
Panicked, he dissolves once more, spilling out into the hall, blinking and fading his way out into the entryway. He stops there, hugging himself around the shoulders, eyes wide and darting in the dark. He cries out, wordlessly, hands twining in his hair.
What is happening to him?
Why can't he hear himself think above that DAMN SONG?
no subject
Date: 2022-06-11 06:57 am (UTC)She can see Alfred, trapped inside of himself, desperately trying to claw his way out. She squeezes his arms and starts to pull him closer, only for his hands to wrap tight about her wrists, the sharp points of his claws penetrating her flesh and tearing a startled cry from her throat. It stings, but she can barely focus on that pain over the ache in her chest as his bitter words cut through her very soul.
But your Master will need you.
She will never unhear that seething, nigh mocking tone. Worse still, she will never unsee this look in his eyes, this begrudging, hateful gaze as he spits those bitter words in her face. Even as he recovers himself for a moment, even as he apologizes and disappears once more, she's left with the stinging in her wrists and in her heart as she gasps for air, staring forward into the dark, empty ballroom.
There's nothing she can do to change this. Her Master does need her. They both do. If she could split herself in two to take care of them both, she would in an instant. But that's not their reality. There is only one of her and even if she wanted to make a choice-- which she absolutely does not --it looks like the choice is being made for her either way. It was always going to be this way.
Even without the blood bond between them, she would choose Alucard for reasons she still believed in, to this day. He chose her, after all. He was like family to her. Hell, he's the only family she has. But she wouldn't get to explain that to Alfred, he didn't want to hear it.
It takes her several agonizing moments to come back to herself, to stop playing those words on repeat in her mind long enough to find her bearings and try to leave. Her body carries on without her as she struggles, stumbling through the dark room towards the hall and reaching out for the wall for support. Her eyes are downcast, vision hazy, able to see just enough to keep from tripping over the debris strewn across the stone floor. She can't stay here. He wants her gone. Her Master will need her.
Alfred stands at the entryway, blocking her escape. He appears to still be battling with himself, some part of him still fighting to find his way out... but she doesn't feel strong enough to help, anymore. She's worried that seeing her will set him off again, but she doesn't know how else she can leave.
Shit.
What could one more attempt hurt? They've already come this far.
Seras does not announce herself when she reaches out for him this time, she doesn't call his name. One paw reaches out for his arm to pull herself to him, against his back, the other arm wrapping around him to place a paw on his chest, embracing him as gently as she can manage from behind. She buries her face between his shoulders, muffling a soft sob into the silk of his blouse, curling her digits in it as she tightens her embrace.
"I'm sorry."
Cw: mind control/hypnosis
Date: 2022-06-11 07:55 am (UTC)His heart is still, but it aches all the same. This is Seras, after all. Sweet, funny Seras who shares her bed with him so he doesn't have to be alone in the castle. Who has flour fights with him in the kitchen that end in them both patched with white and giggling. Who has been so patient with him, so gentle, so kind and grateful.
And now here they are, with another vampire tumbling into the picture to snatch her away. Not only that, but he can't be sure if the vampire standing in the way is this Master, or if it's...himself.
He sobs, head lolling forward, blood running down his cheeks.
It's so loud here, in this room. The Song is so loud, louder than ever, more...seductive. He freezes, realization dawning on him as he gently rests his hand over hers.
...He could use it. He did by mistake only the night before. He could use it, if he just...tries....
When he turns, looking down, his eyes finally focus on her, a strange, intense expression dawning slowly on his face.
He could keep her, if he wanted.
It would be so easy.
For a moment, he is silent...and then he raises one hand between them, fingers splaying and drifting gracefully through the air as he begins to sing, letting the tune that's been ringing in his head flow through him.
"Sink mit mir ins Meer der Zeit...Ich lehr dich was es heißt zu leben...."
cw: under mind control, dissociation
Date: 2022-06-11 08:48 am (UTC)Maybe this is a step in the right direction... maybe this is what he needed. She squeezes him tighter when his body is wracked with a sob, nuzzling into him.
"E-everything will be okay, I promise. I swear." And it would be, no matter what it took. Seras didn't make a habit of making promises she didn't intend to keep, but unbeknownst to her, pookas were just as bound to any oath they made. Everything was going to be okay for him, no matter what she had to do to make it so.
Loosening her grip when he turns to face her, she smiles softly up at him, saddened but surprisingly unbothered by the blood cutting dark lines across his pale cheeks. She thinks to raise a paw to wipe them away, but he has lifted his own hand before her, leaving her more than a tad confused. Seras blinks curiously as she watches his hand, lips parting to question him before he's begun... singing?
It's that song she catches him humming every now and then, isn't it? Why--
But it's so lovely, isn't it? She's never heard the words before; he's never actually sung this one for her, before. His voice is just beautiful, clear as a bell, enchanting as always.
That warm, sweet feeling is taking her over, relaxing her. She feels... safe. He's embracing her with his song, clouding her mind with his voice once again. It didn't need to be more than that, did it? How could she worry at a time like this? Seras begins to lean into him again, eyes brighter than before, eager, and yet somehow... empty.
Why would she need to question him? He's singing again... Everything is fine. She... can stay with him, can't she? Maybe, her Master would be fine without--
Her shoulders tense, terror flashing bright in her ruby red eyes. She can't pull away, her body won't let her. No-- she can't think that way. What is happening to her? What is Alfred doing--
Seras promised everything would be okay... would this be what it took?
Giving in?
Like this?
Cw: mind control/hypnosis
Date: 2022-06-11 05:40 pm (UTC)"Spür das Glück der Traurigkeit, Fühl die Wohllust doch aufzugeben...."
None of this has to happen. He can make it go away. He can make her stay, and everything can go back to what it was just last night. She's warm, there in front of him, her heart beat slowing as she slips under the trance.
Just like he did.
"Such mit mir den schwarzen Gral...L-lern von mir, was es heißt zu...zu lieben-"
The look of terror that blooms on her is like a knife in his chest. It's familiar, and he places why mid line, a look of pure horror crossing his own young face.
He realizes where they're standing.
And he remembers how scared he was, under that fuzzy, floating feeling, when Count von Krolock mesmerized him with that haunting melody, too, right here.
He stops, a sob killing his voice, fresh tears tracking red lines down his porcelain cheeks. This is wrong. How could he? How could he do this to her? The hand between them drops from the air to land gently on her shoulder, shaking her just a little to help her come to.
"I'm so sorry," he chokes. A moment of lucidity, of pain. "Seras, I'm not - myself. I feel so strange, I - I can't-"
The hand drifts to her hair, smoothing it down. She doesn't want to go, he knows that, really. But he can feel himself slipping, finally tumbling down the precipice he started to find himself on just after that carnival. And now he's proven to himself that... he's dangerous to her. Not because she can't take him, because...she can.
But because she won't back down. Because she won't stop fighting for him, even if her neck is on the line.
Alfred can't in good conscience let her. This is the line he's crossed. And now there is no going back over it, even if he can feel his dead heart falling to pieces.
"Please...he - he really must need you. He must be so lost. I will be fine. And I'm - not mad, not really, I'm just - I'm -
Please.
Go to him."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-12 06:11 am (UTC)"Why-- Why would you--" she whimpers softly, barely audible, tears welling in her eyes. "Y-you're not like them--" she never thought he would ever try to cross that line, that he would ever try to take something from her like so many others had. Countless times before others had tried for her mind, her body, her spirit ... This time, her free will?
Especially when she was already willing to stay?
He's there right now, but how long will this part of him stay? Surely this isn't the person he is now... She'd heard monsters were capable of changing what they were, but... how long would it be like this? Would he turn into one of those creatures too? Like the one who attacked her that night at the carnival? Certainly, he couldn't have been as horrible as the woman who hypnotized her and forced out her memories-- But could she be certain that wouldn't happen to him, beyond his intention or control? Would it only get worse from here?
--not -myself. I feel so strange-- That has to be true, Alfred-- Alfred would never do something like this to hurt her, would he?
She feels him run a hand through her hair, but she can't stop herself from flinching away from his touch, like she's expecting something... worse to happen to her. Even hearing him here now in this moment of lucidity, a part of her waits for the other shoe to drop, for this situation to escalate once again. She keeps her head lowered, shoulders up, as if bracing for impact.
"Is that what you want me to do?" She's getting mixed signals, after all. Wanting her to stay bad enough to hypnotize her, but refusing to let her explain and sending her away to her Master? She can't keep up. Finally, the tears spill over as she speaks, streaking hot down her cheeks. She's managed to make it this far with a brave face, without allowing herself to break, but she feels she somehow knows and absolutely dreads the answer to this question.
"I will go, if that's what you want. But please, understand. I was never trying to leave."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-12 08:53 am (UTC)The way she looks at him, so full of distrust, disappointment - it visibly breaks Alfred, a faint whimper sounding in the back of his throat. Her flinch away from his hand makes him flinch in turn, drawing the fingers back and hovering them in midair as though she has burned him.
Maybe she has, in a way.
You're not like them, she had said. But Alfred doesn't know who 'them' is. He doesn't know the whole of what happened to her at the Carnival, spared the ugliest details for his sanity. He doesn't know what she's been through before that, either, blind to the terrors that spring to her mind.
No, the only person he can think of is the Count.
And standing here, he feels he is becoming just like him.
"What I want," he finally manages, his voice breaking and soft as he folds in upon himself, "is for you to be safe, Seras. And right now, that's...not here. That's not with me."
He takes a little step back, wrapping his arms around himself like a bat might do with their wings. There is fondness, there, in his eyes. There is still warmth, but there is grief there, too. Mourning another thing he's screwed up, because he's always better in theory than in practice.
He desperately wants to wipe away those tears. But he can't. He can't be trusted.
"I know you weren't. I know. But I've - hurt you enough. You - you should - you...should...I can...I can still...."
Distance starts to cloud his eyes again, his whole body trembling as his gaze wanders, goes fuzzy.
"...I can...still hear him...."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-13 02:07 am (UTC)It's only partially a lie, because she would be devastated if he took the same path as those others, if he took advantage of her the way they had, but--
"--I'm afraid of what you'll do to yourself."
Seras knows well what self-loathing can do to a person, what the endless cycle of acceptance and connection and failure and loss and blame leads to and what kind of damage it causes. Hell, she's experiencing it right now alongside him, like those other terrible things they'd found out they had in common not all that long ago. It's so much more devastating to witness from the outside, to see it reflected in someone she cared so much for, with no way to really help. The most devastating part of it all was knowing being there was all she could offer him in the first place, and now... she was taking that away from him, too.
Everything was being taken from both of them, through no fault of their own and circumstance alone. Fate rarely played in Seras' favor, time had run out, and luck had never been on her side... another unfortunate reality to share with Alfred.
Again, she attempts to follow his line of sight, but this time finds that it leads to nothing. He's getting lost again. Whatever it is that is doing this to him is coming back--
"Alfred-- there's nothing there, it's just-- it's just us." she reaches for him once more, settling her paws over his hands, trying to catch his wandering gaze with her own, to try to ground him before he floats away again. "Who? Who do you hear?"
no subject
Date: 2022-06-14 12:32 am (UTC)At Seras's touch, Alfred comes back to himself for a split second, long enough to give her a haunting, terrified, desperate look; a man with three fingers left on the edge of a cliff, realizing he can't hold on one moment longer.
"I can't - Seras, I don't want to- I can't, I c-can...can....."
And just like that, he loses his grip, expression going vacant, hollow, unfocused as he slumps down like a ragdoll to his knees, all fight gone out of him.
"...Can hear...the Count. He's still singing to me. It's...it's beautiful, isn't it…?"
His words dissolve into mumbles.
Alfred is broken.